illuminatus

suddenly, brain ninjas!


so, for the first time in a long time, i am writing without so much as a thought in advance. none of this being planned, no drafts or time spent thinking deeply. just me, just my immediate thoughts and my reactions to the now. just my instinct.

im not sure what to think, really. its a difficult situation for me. im once again transposing what i hear, what i see. putting thoughts of joy where they actually dont exist. spending some nights pretending things were different, reading into things that should be just simple statements. reminiscing from the days of old.

i used to think this was counter productive, but now i see its actually progressive. dealing with these thoughts is allowing me to build up a tolerance to it all. helping me to be everything that i am able to be with this, and enabling me to create a resistance to the thoughts that are circling in my head.

yet simultaneously, these thoughts bring about a smile, but they have always had that affect on me. and i want to keep that going. i enjoy it. even if it never ascends beyond playful banter, at least i can still be what i am...

a friend. a real friend.

eventually it will settle, eventually i will be impervious to it all. but for now... ill dream.

HOLY MOOD CHANGE!

to make things slightly quick, ill just say that through some form of attempted intervention backfired fairly well, as i was the proud recipient of a jab that actually stung. a statement of ignorance made, hopefully, out of momentary passion. brought my memories back, made me really dig deep for what it took for me to quit my old drug addiction.

luckily though, it has brought light onto another situation i had been battling for some time. whereas i would usually just unhinge and go off, i bit my lip and kept to myself, avoiding further confrontation. definitely showing myself i have come to control my anger better than previously. ive learned to not retaliate out of temporary anger.

so now, im a combination of angry, depressed, scared, and happy, excited, confident in my current path. and i know that i bare the strength to contest anything that stands in my way, to continue on the path that i have chosen.

at such a point like this, i typically would just grab some beer or scotch, but im holding true to my own word... and having neither. progression.... its all about progression.

hours later... i am charged. the dust has settled, the smoke has cleared. everything is clear in my head. and i am charged! i am eager for the world at this very moment.

somebody once said to me "its like driving by a car accident. i just look at all the chaos as hope for the best to come out of it."