It’s funny, in this time of my life I want to implement change. In all other times in my life when I thought about this kind of change I did not welcome it. No I changed the change itself, changed different aspects of my life, found loopholes, made excuses. But the toils of time are change, and change is what I shall do. I was watching South Park the other day (not my favorite cartoon, but none the less I enjoy cartoons. Cartoons are so right to me with their interpretations of Morality and Ethics, I find them so beautiful. Childish, maybe, but I will always love them; comics, and cartoons). And this episode was about alcoholism and how a statue of Mother Mary was on her rag and how the statues period blood was a miracle that healed diseases (you see they were doing a block [a couple of hours] on religion). And I do like to drink, and drug, and sloth and lust and all the seven deadly sins huhuhu* but Stan said something to his father that made laugh. "You shouldn’t just quit drinking, you enjoy drinking, to keep yourself from drinking for the rest of your life, and to always have that thought that if you drink you cannot stop is the same thing as having alcohol rule your life, your just not drinking! No that’s the easy way out: to have it All or Nothing. You must practice Dis-er-prin =) diserprin. I need diserprin. Right now I am deciding to not smoke pot, or to drink, or smoke cigarettes, or to masterbate, or snort cocaine, or fuck, or anything I have a problem with doing an excess of. I just want to have control over my mind and my body. I wanna’ be able to be fit and strong for my lady, I want to be able to find the Eve that’s in my subconscious and her know I am her Adam. I can’t even enjoy running like I used to, I’m too weighed down by toxins. So these last 72 hours have been years, and every stopping moment MUST be filled, for if I let this mind of mine wander I walk backwards. This is my flaw. I get bored. I grew into the habit of not creating fulfilment. I find, so often, that there are many things in this world that suck**! But at an early age you find ways to make them not. You have imagination, a can becomes a Cybertronian space ship, and life is blissfully ignorant. I keep on telling myself this, so as to my remind myself that I can do it again, but it’s hard ya’ know, it really is. I ran miles today, 3. Biked 5. Never have I lifted weights, now I’m benching. I’m benching and clenching my teeth and screaming in my fuckin’ head "your broke Max your broke, your fuckin’ broke, this will fix you! Keep GOING, DO SOMETHING!” How is it I’ve twisted weed into a dependency, a magical herb I actively advocate for has become to me a twin to cocaine. No longer do I mess with needles but in this urgency even the pony swept through my mind. So I bench and I bike and I run and I jump and I sweat and I punch and I curse, and I laugh at myself because I’m trying. I'm trying to do anything and it’s hard and I’m alive. G-d damnit I’m alive!
*I don’t laugh like hahahaha or hehehehe and I do laugh out loud but I don’t like putting that shit. So imagine me laughing huhuhuhu that’s the closest sound to my laugh. Huhuhu.
**I wrote this and wanted to change it but this is how I felt at the time and the words to me mesh. There are a lot of things I love in this world that are above me, animals and the earth, the stars, love, music. I was really sweating earlier and that was how I felt. To change the way I wrote it would be a lie. Just know I’m not a Scrooge, or a Grinch, or angry at the world or anything, I’m just not all too into things that entertain the people around me. Though saying that is really broad and I have friends that enjoy what I enjoy and what not.