idwraith

There are times I wonder if signing my children over to my parents and checking permanently into a mental institution might not be the best thing for me to do. I'm not solid in the head. I can't remember one of my tenants paying rent, despite the fact that he says he's given me 3 payments of $50. When I was in college and things got bad I came very close to developing Dissociative Personality Disorder. I'm worried if these memory lapses and feelings of confusion might not indicate that my depression is reaching deeper levels than ever before.

It's difficult for me not to defriend everyone I know and just take comfort in the silence. One of the greatest hardships is that I'm so used to being depressed that the symptoms become a normal and almost comfortable state in my life and things that conflict with them cause me anguish. I have to fight the feeling that if I just ended the few meaningful friendships I have left then I could be comfortable in my hermitage.

I want to make it through this semester of college, but the truth is I'm having a hard time caring about my graduate work. The thought of writing papers bore me, the thought of doing the smaller homework seems reprehensible. I don't feel like it'll actually accomplish anything. I feel like it would be beneficial for my children to live with my parents, who could at least provide them with love and happiness. I have plenty of love...but I'm pretty deeply lacking in happiness.

And frankly, I'm suffering from the lack of romantic love, the lack of physical contact. I feel starved, unwanted, dirty. I feel like I'm stained with a black mark and that everything I touch with a loving eye is destined to die, depart or fade away. That love and I can't have more than an ephemeral relationship without starving.