idwraith

I'm getting to the point where I want to set fire to my own head just to stop the noise. I have so many conflicting feelings going through my head. I'm so happy that my boys are starting to do better. They're adjusting to the changes and are moving on, but that makes my sad too because I'm afraid of them losing memory of their mother.

I'm feeling guilty every time I catch myself enjoying time with friends or relaxing because I feel like I'm betraying her memory, but at the same time I know that Blythe wouldn't want me to be lonely and miserable for the rest of my life. It's taking more effort than I am letting on just to avoid telling everyone around me to fuck off and becoming a cynical hermit. There's a part of me, a big part, that just wants to shut myself in a dark hole and give in to bitterness at the Universe.

To make matters harder I've always been a very tactile person. Blythe and I were almost always within arms-reach of each other when we were in a comfortable situation. We'd just reach out and touch each other all the time. I don't really have anyone to fill even a part of that role now. The occasional hug from a friend and cuddling my boys when they're in the mood is the closest I come and for obvious reasons it's just not the same. A large part of me is craving that concrete physical reassurance. I don't know if I want to bite, scratch and fuck until I pass out, fall asleep with my skin against someone, or just be held so I can cry... All, none? Either way I just don't feel comfortable being around people, yet I'm aching for that missing contact.

It's enough to make me feel like I'm cracking up.