AAAAARAAAARRRRRGH! HULK SMASH!
So, work has been unusually shitty of late-ye old flip flopping of expectations. What's right this week will be wrong next and then right again and....meanwhile, my job details will flip similarly...and they'll try to give me some kind of goddamned certificate instead of something actually representative of working hard. I say to myself I refuse to be the first to volunteer or be volunteered next time they're desperate, but then....I love overtime, so I know I'll say yes.
A semi friend may be coming to stay for an indeterminate amount of time. Her boyfriend has decided to hit her, and that's a big BIG no-no in my book. She's an SG, so I don't know why she'd want to come to this shithole when one post would get her a hundred better offers....but then, this shithole is kinda cool if you're not working to live here:there's a pizza place just a brief walk through a wooded path, convienance store, post office is across the street; we have high speed net access, tons of video games DVDs and music, two manly men walking around half nekkid all day......hmmm. Yea, maybe it just sucks more for me than others.
Been tempted to just pick up and haul ass back to Austin....but I really don't need that kind of temptation, even if it could mean better paying job(s) and company.
It's strange to live "next door" to Jason, after having so recently crashed with him during a major turning point in life-I step into the house and the smell takes me back. Hard to believe it's been closer to a year than not. Back to a turbulent time of changes and decisions and fate(?) shaking the boat. I definitely didn't make the right decisions, and again tried to think of people other than myself. I shouldn't be here now. It's interesting how you can almost indefinitely argue backwards the "blame" for a mistake-I've learned that a loved one suffered a horrible incident and kept it secret. One could say she is to "blame" for the decisions she made-but by arguing further back, *I* am to blame for failing to prevent such a situation from ever occuring. *MY* actions could have canceled that series of events from happening. It's MY fault first, the rest is a cruel beating from life which gets taken out on those around me. It drags me back to my constant quandry:where was my first misstep? Or THE big misstep? Is it possible to pinpoint a single moment when I set EVERY action in my life that I regret in motion? I don't like the word regret-I'm unpleased, in retrospect, with many of my decisions, but I don't "regret" them as I felt justified at the time and for the most part still do. It doesn't make them "right" or "understood", though.
It's not the action of the hurting that I hate, it's the hurt itself that I hate.
As a particularly vengeful person, it's always been natural reaction to strike back when I'm hurt. I DON'T forgive, I DON'T forget, I DON'T let go and from the very moment a desire to hurt back-preferably in a more extreme, or pent up way-consumes me. It's always overcome any attempts to outration it. Until now....I am angry, hurt, and vengeful; my mind bristles and spines with ways I could hurt back (I could take away just as I have been taken from); yet...I don't WANT to. It's not even a conscious effort to not want to, I simply cannot fathom it and it sickens me to think of it. I FEEL the wrath boiling, but....cannot. Don't have any desire. It's not that I don't care about my "victim", it's quite the opposite. This, dear readers, is true unconditional love....and I know it at last. It makes me question the god I claim not to believe in.
This entry has been all over the place....I don't like the random nature of it, I much prefer it when I can expound on a thought or theme.....but everything is so complicated and connected.
A father figure once said to me "Damn, Kevin, it must suck that you're the only person you know with any aspiration!"
Next month I fulfill a childhood dream. Not as well as I'd like to, not on my terms, and not for anything with meaning or value beyond my own. This would be a good year to die.
Another person once said to me "Do you realize that you do a lot for other people? Do you ever ask for help?"
No, and many times those I help don't ask either-I volunteer, out of moral and interest, and I don't ask because I want to believe in Karma. I DESPERATELY want to believe in it, that someday someone will put ME first. You can call it a selfish reason to believe in Karma, I think of it as a very desireable side effect of helping others.
On a final note, it amused Gadget once, will it amuse Gadget to see it twice?
So, work has been unusually shitty of late-ye old flip flopping of expectations. What's right this week will be wrong next and then right again and....meanwhile, my job details will flip similarly...and they'll try to give me some kind of goddamned certificate instead of something actually representative of working hard. I say to myself I refuse to be the first to volunteer or be volunteered next time they're desperate, but then....I love overtime, so I know I'll say yes.
A semi friend may be coming to stay for an indeterminate amount of time. Her boyfriend has decided to hit her, and that's a big BIG no-no in my book. She's an SG, so I don't know why she'd want to come to this shithole when one post would get her a hundred better offers....but then, this shithole is kinda cool if you're not working to live here:there's a pizza place just a brief walk through a wooded path, convienance store, post office is across the street; we have high speed net access, tons of video games DVDs and music, two manly men walking around half nekkid all day......hmmm. Yea, maybe it just sucks more for me than others.
Been tempted to just pick up and haul ass back to Austin....but I really don't need that kind of temptation, even if it could mean better paying job(s) and company.
It's strange to live "next door" to Jason, after having so recently crashed with him during a major turning point in life-I step into the house and the smell takes me back. Hard to believe it's been closer to a year than not. Back to a turbulent time of changes and decisions and fate(?) shaking the boat. I definitely didn't make the right decisions, and again tried to think of people other than myself. I shouldn't be here now. It's interesting how you can almost indefinitely argue backwards the "blame" for a mistake-I've learned that a loved one suffered a horrible incident and kept it secret. One could say she is to "blame" for the decisions she made-but by arguing further back, *I* am to blame for failing to prevent such a situation from ever occuring. *MY* actions could have canceled that series of events from happening. It's MY fault first, the rest is a cruel beating from life which gets taken out on those around me. It drags me back to my constant quandry:where was my first misstep? Or THE big misstep? Is it possible to pinpoint a single moment when I set EVERY action in my life that I regret in motion? I don't like the word regret-I'm unpleased, in retrospect, with many of my decisions, but I don't "regret" them as I felt justified at the time and for the most part still do. It doesn't make them "right" or "understood", though.
It's not the action of the hurting that I hate, it's the hurt itself that I hate.
As a particularly vengeful person, it's always been natural reaction to strike back when I'm hurt. I DON'T forgive, I DON'T forget, I DON'T let go and from the very moment a desire to hurt back-preferably in a more extreme, or pent up way-consumes me. It's always overcome any attempts to outration it. Until now....I am angry, hurt, and vengeful; my mind bristles and spines with ways I could hurt back (I could take away just as I have been taken from); yet...I don't WANT to. It's not even a conscious effort to not want to, I simply cannot fathom it and it sickens me to think of it. I FEEL the wrath boiling, but....cannot. Don't have any desire. It's not that I don't care about my "victim", it's quite the opposite. This, dear readers, is true unconditional love....and I know it at last. It makes me question the god I claim not to believe in.
This entry has been all over the place....I don't like the random nature of it, I much prefer it when I can expound on a thought or theme.....but everything is so complicated and connected.
A father figure once said to me "Damn, Kevin, it must suck that you're the only person you know with any aspiration!"
Next month I fulfill a childhood dream. Not as well as I'd like to, not on my terms, and not for anything with meaning or value beyond my own. This would be a good year to die.
Another person once said to me "Do you realize that you do a lot for other people? Do you ever ask for help?"
No, and many times those I help don't ask either-I volunteer, out of moral and interest, and I don't ask because I want to believe in Karma. I DESPERATELY want to believe in it, that someday someone will put ME first. You can call it a selfish reason to believe in Karma, I think of it as a very desireable side effect of helping others.
On a final note, it amused Gadget once, will it amuse Gadget to see it twice?
and that bunny is fucking hardcore. it put a smile on my face!
Qua?!?!