i_poop_too_much

Foo Fighters, "The Colour and the Shape".....listening to this album brings me back. Oh, bittersweet nostalgia. Except not anything but the bitter.

So listen, I realize I bitch alot....believe me, I'd love to have something positive to write about. I'm a firm believer that things could always be WORSE and I should be glad when things don't get worse....but that doesn't mean things can't or shouldn't be better/good.

It's who I am. Bitter, burned out, hateful, jealous, dissatisfied.....I'd like to have my own just once. Something just absolutely right and with nothing but Kevin all over it. All mine and perfect.

Anyhoo! Commence with the bitching!

Finally all well settled in the new place....everything arranged, set up, schedules locked and comfortable enough...things should be nice and tolerable, right?

WRONG! FUCKING WRONG AGAIN, ASSHOLE! You're living in a white trash redneck backwoods heaven, in a pink trailer with neighbors just far enough away that you can't see them but you can hear "Woman, you a damn fool don't think I know the hell I'm talkin bout!"....oh, and then there's the houseguests. I have yet to verify what they are, but it looks like this house came with fleas. Or LICE. I'm not sure which. Tiny, jumpy, I've seen two now....one ON ME. Which of course makes me even more paranoid....."how many times a day did I scratch my head before moving here?! What was that feeling?! ETC!". Never had lice, and I'll be EXTREMELY furious if this shithole that I don't even want to be living in gave them to me. I KNEW there was something wrong with the furniture beyond it's ugliness...we shall see.

Shoulda just taken off to Austin....instead of moving here....couldn't afford it, though, but here's where I find myself repeating myself:I think it'd have been worth it to hit up the credit cards. Second time I've said that....

Last May I returned to Lousy-ana....er, Louisiana....from Austin....I'd moved to Austin in March and things very quickly deteriorated. Junkie roommates, an eviction notice, failed attempts at finding work in the field I moved to Austin for, and realizing that while the Drama Queen was certainly NOT what I wanted....it was a routine. It was pretty simple. It was the perfect grind for the dull surface I'd become. Throw in that down the line some great inheritances would happen....you know, fuckit, why not. I COULD charge up the credit cards and fight it out in Austin, but I'm sick of fighting, I'll go back to the girl who's nuts about me in Louisiana. WRONG! I think of leaving here again and stayed to set aside cash to restart life....HEY, WRONG AGAIN! So I'm stuck here....and instead of going to Austin and using the cards in the process, I'm in this nasty trailer in the woods of nowhere Louisiana....but I'm really burned out on the restarting life thing. I'm burned out on my current routine. I'm burned out on trying to juggle possibilities and plan for them all, finding all of them to be....less than appealing.

This month has been "hey, infidelity!" month....there's a couple from Connecticut, the 30something male can't/won't please the 20year old wife, she picked me out and I'm being offered payment and travel to spend a few days as a fuck toy; then a coworker recently informed me of how impressed his wife was. Thanks, sexual frustration wasn't pent up enough, I needed offers to decline.

Sex drive....what a contradiction. Frustrated and repressed, but at the same time dead. I really have no desire beyond a relief of pressure.....I wasted 2 years on horrid sex that killed everything, and I've lost all my talent....I'm sure my stamina will be crap when I get back to it, I can't remember WHAT the hell my little cunnilingal tongue trick was, just....rargh.

While life had been more stressful during some previous traumatic relationships, that vile infected bitch I think has done the most damage....killed the last sparks of who I was, leading me on a leash I tied to myself. "I don't know what happened to you in Austin becuase you won't talk about it, but I miss the Kevin that moved here." Yea, well, you drove him away, and when he was crushed and came back to your "open arms", you tried to suffocate me...

Remember kids, the first step towards failure is trying.

This fucking state....genital infections, shitty weather, fleas/lice.....

It occurs to me that I do a lot of things for other people, but noone does for me-good thing I'm not an investment banker or a Wall Street player, I'd be out of a job quickly. My shitty situations are due to foolish idealistic judgement, but doing for someone else has always factored in....I've never been greedy and tried to take more, but how do I keep losing more and more?

Clothing....much in need of replacement....due to lack of resources, time and money, I guess the aesthetic choices that I've made-still not what I'd WANT to do, but see above-will have to be retired for an even further bland look.

Hehehe. The song playing. Sophomore year of highschool, psychology class, Christine dropping a note onto my desk then snaking her hands down my pants. Good times.

.....hmmm. Christine. Another stupid "for others" decision. Chased after her since middle school, finally had her crawling to ME, and didn't take our involvements very far because it was "wrong" as I was dating Jane....who months later would betray me in a more extreme manner. I could have had that which I'd wanted for so long but I gave it up for someone else...

I try to believe in Karma. I try so desperately.

FUCK I hate today, if you can't tell. Goodbye and goodnight.