back from KY. keep getting tired- jet lag style, but i can't really attribute it to that. been sleeping a lot, though. maybe i'm just worn out and didn't know it. it was good to see my family and mel and my dogs. i miss everybody already.
i think it's time for me to leave new orleans. i just don't think i'm happy here anymore. it's not as if i had some revelation while i was gone; more like a sinking suspicion. and for the first time since i moved here almost five years ago, i wasn't happy and relieved to come home. it didn't feel the same, flying over lake pontchartrain and seeing the city from above, touching down in the airport, stepping outside and breathing in the air.
before, the air seemed to pulse with electricity, with the hint of endless possibilities lying in wait for me. there seemed to be a current running through the city that was running through me, too- a kind of connectivity. a subtle pulling at my heart whenever i was away. i guess i've fallen out of love, because none of that was there when i returned.
i don't necessarily want to move back to kentucky, although i was pretty tempted. but i couldn't get a job there- not a job i wouldn't hate. it's a really fucking small town. but i do want to move on with my life. move out of new orleans. now, this sentiment alone brings up enough complications. i'm pretty much chained to my current relationship, for better or worse, and it would be pretty tough to leave my job.
i think for now i'm just going to compromise, to save up money and go on some short trips, visit cities i might want to live in some day, etc. it seems like a reasonable compromise, but my heart is sick...
everyday i find something to remind me that if i wait too long to start my life, or rather, to start living- to break out of these patterns and routines that breed both comfort and contempt, i could end up settling for less. or worse, i could be dead before i ever had the chance to leave my mark in this world. hell, i guess it happens to us all. but right now i'm just hoping it doesn't come to that, you know.
the first steps are the hardest ones. can't go back. i'll die if i stay still. that leaves only one last thing...
-Hyena.
i think it's time for me to leave new orleans. i just don't think i'm happy here anymore. it's not as if i had some revelation while i was gone; more like a sinking suspicion. and for the first time since i moved here almost five years ago, i wasn't happy and relieved to come home. it didn't feel the same, flying over lake pontchartrain and seeing the city from above, touching down in the airport, stepping outside and breathing in the air.
before, the air seemed to pulse with electricity, with the hint of endless possibilities lying in wait for me. there seemed to be a current running through the city that was running through me, too- a kind of connectivity. a subtle pulling at my heart whenever i was away. i guess i've fallen out of love, because none of that was there when i returned.
i don't necessarily want to move back to kentucky, although i was pretty tempted. but i couldn't get a job there- not a job i wouldn't hate. it's a really fucking small town. but i do want to move on with my life. move out of new orleans. now, this sentiment alone brings up enough complications. i'm pretty much chained to my current relationship, for better or worse, and it would be pretty tough to leave my job.
i think for now i'm just going to compromise, to save up money and go on some short trips, visit cities i might want to live in some day, etc. it seems like a reasonable compromise, but my heart is sick...
everyday i find something to remind me that if i wait too long to start my life, or rather, to start living- to break out of these patterns and routines that breed both comfort and contempt, i could end up settling for less. or worse, i could be dead before i ever had the chance to leave my mark in this world. hell, i guess it happens to us all. but right now i'm just hoping it doesn't come to that, you know.
the first steps are the hardest ones. can't go back. i'll die if i stay still. that leaves only one last thing...
-Hyena.
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[Edited on Sep 08, 2004 2:50PM]