plane ticket home: $175.
extra pet fee: $160.
crappy airport food later to be regurgitated: $12.
watching my chihuahua chase around three 50 pound basset hounds: priceless.
i'm home in kentucky for x-mas.
when i got off the plane in nashville there was a storm of strange, cold, white stuff coming down on us from above. i sat next to an old cajun woman with a moustache who agreed with me that the sky was definitely falling and the end of the world was upon us. i had forgotten about snow...
my friend brian asked me before i left the city if i didn't miss it. snow, that is. i laughed. "you mean you don't miss seasons?" i told him we had seasons in louisiana. we have summer, we have spring, and we have february. although it's not like i moved to louisiana from alaska. or even minnesota. and it's not as if we get much snow in kentucky, either. what with global warming and all. i haven't seen snow by the foot on the ground since i was a kid. and yeah, it's beautiful in the same way as silence, i supose. but we don't get that anymore. we get a couple inches, then it turns to slush. it turns to mud. skeletal landscapes of brown and grey. i'll take azalias in december any fucking day of the week.
this time last year i'd been back from europe for about a week. this time three years ago i was in a mental institution. this year i'm being questioned as to my plans for the future. "shouldn't you be looking at grad schools?" no, i'm not going back to school. not soon. maybe not ever. "shouldn't you be looking for a job?" i've got a job. "i mean, something more..." more? more what? i laugh and say i make more money bartending than i would teaching. than i would interning. that i would with a "respectable" job. but it's not just about the money, i've found. that "respectable" job, so to speak- now that's the brass ring. and according to those who should know- my family, my elders, my teachers and even my peers-at this age, the recently liberated and slightly more educated young folk are supposed to be taking steps towards building a career. who knew?
but i look around me. i look at people my age. people getting ready to leave the world of academia for either the saftey of more acedemia or the land of the gainfully employed. and they're all terrified. scared shitless. and i don't understand it. hell, maybe it hasn't hit me yet, this panic of "what am i going to do with my life!?" maybe i'm just too dumb to take warning, too imersed in myself or some world of my making. maybe i'm in denial. but i would tend towards the more obvious and easier answer. i don't care.
i gave 12 years of my life to public education in a rural, conservative community where i was seen as... hell, i still can't figure out what these folk thought of me; or think of me. and i have given four years of my life to a private university that cares more about making more money for the business program than it does providing the so-called and much valued "liberal arts" education. and i have watched these institutions swallow up souls. i have watched failure and success, and they both looked like capitulation to me. and i have kept quiet, because i knew i was only biding my time.
and so now, the question of: "what next?" shouldn't you do this, shouldn't you do that? but i'm done with what i should do, and what i should have done cannot be helped. and i don't care what's next, as long as i've fufilled all my obligations. so let me fucking disappear if i want. let me die. just leave me alone. i've done my fucking part. i've done what was expected of me.
yours.
-Hyena.
extra pet fee: $160.
crappy airport food later to be regurgitated: $12.
watching my chihuahua chase around three 50 pound basset hounds: priceless.
i'm home in kentucky for x-mas.
when i got off the plane in nashville there was a storm of strange, cold, white stuff coming down on us from above. i sat next to an old cajun woman with a moustache who agreed with me that the sky was definitely falling and the end of the world was upon us. i had forgotten about snow...
my friend brian asked me before i left the city if i didn't miss it. snow, that is. i laughed. "you mean you don't miss seasons?" i told him we had seasons in louisiana. we have summer, we have spring, and we have february. although it's not like i moved to louisiana from alaska. or even minnesota. and it's not as if we get much snow in kentucky, either. what with global warming and all. i haven't seen snow by the foot on the ground since i was a kid. and yeah, it's beautiful in the same way as silence, i supose. but we don't get that anymore. we get a couple inches, then it turns to slush. it turns to mud. skeletal landscapes of brown and grey. i'll take azalias in december any fucking day of the week.
this time last year i'd been back from europe for about a week. this time three years ago i was in a mental institution. this year i'm being questioned as to my plans for the future. "shouldn't you be looking at grad schools?" no, i'm not going back to school. not soon. maybe not ever. "shouldn't you be looking for a job?" i've got a job. "i mean, something more..." more? more what? i laugh and say i make more money bartending than i would teaching. than i would interning. that i would with a "respectable" job. but it's not just about the money, i've found. that "respectable" job, so to speak- now that's the brass ring. and according to those who should know- my family, my elders, my teachers and even my peers-at this age, the recently liberated and slightly more educated young folk are supposed to be taking steps towards building a career. who knew?
but i look around me. i look at people my age. people getting ready to leave the world of academia for either the saftey of more acedemia or the land of the gainfully employed. and they're all terrified. scared shitless. and i don't understand it. hell, maybe it hasn't hit me yet, this panic of "what am i going to do with my life!?" maybe i'm just too dumb to take warning, too imersed in myself or some world of my making. maybe i'm in denial. but i would tend towards the more obvious and easier answer. i don't care.
i gave 12 years of my life to public education in a rural, conservative community where i was seen as... hell, i still can't figure out what these folk thought of me; or think of me. and i have given four years of my life to a private university that cares more about making more money for the business program than it does providing the so-called and much valued "liberal arts" education. and i have watched these institutions swallow up souls. i have watched failure and success, and they both looked like capitulation to me. and i have kept quiet, because i knew i was only biding my time.
and so now, the question of: "what next?" shouldn't you do this, shouldn't you do that? but i'm done with what i should do, and what i should have done cannot be helped. and i don't care what's next, as long as i've fufilled all my obligations. so let me fucking disappear if i want. let me die. just leave me alone. i've done my fucking part. i've done what was expected of me.
yours.
-Hyena.
I'd sooner you not disappear and die, but other than that, it's best for everyone to find their own path in life. Support and advice helps, but not that condescending "you're not doing something worthwhile" crap.
Anyway. Yeah, snow. I've never lived anywhere where it hasn't snowed a lot every winter, but the lack of snow might be a major factor if I ever decide to move. It is funny to see how different locales react to snow. What's nothing major in NYC is some huge disaster in Alabama, for example. But then again, I don't live where it's not a big deal to measure weekly snowfall in feet.
But hey, nice to see you back.