hrlyqunn

i hate that the only person i really have to talk to is jerry. when we have a fight and im feeling depressed and guilty, i cant very well talk to him. i feel so guilty about hurting him, because thats usually the reason we're fighting.

im just so lazy and afraid of hurting that i always put off the issue of talking about my problems or internalizing them. i dont want to make myself hurt and i dont want to bring up any of the bad stuff and thats exactly what i need to do.

its like popping a nasty zit. its gonna hurt like hell and require a lot of work, and i might even need someone to try for awhile, and theres going to be blood and tears, but in the end, all the bad stuff needs to come out so i can start to heal.

jerry decided that we arent going to hang out this weekend. like a mini break. as pathetic as it sounds i need to get a little buzzed and not sleep, because thats when im able to break down my own defenses and let everything out. so thats what im going to do.

i love him with all my heart and soul. problem is i dont love myself. im jealous of the love i have for him, because i dont have that for myself. in order for us to be totally committed to one another and have true love and a stable life, i need to love myself. or at least start to anyway. at least like myself.

life would be easier if i was a spinster lesbian with a million cats but i wouldnt be happy.