I keep going back and forth between being a Catholic or a nihilist. Catholicism has all the aesthetics, and I could keep the aesthetics as a nihilist. No reason I can't have a rosary around the house, or a statue of Our Lady.
Of course, the problem with nihilism is that it's very hard to love anyone as a nihilist. Life becomes a series of events and you just have to make the best use of your time until yours is up. Catholicism at least gives you something to hope for, instead of death arriving one day, like the first day of school when you're a kid, or it's the death of the person you love the most.
When I worked security at the hospital I saw an old man who'd had that day arrive in regards to his wife of over sixty years. He had tears in his eyes and said something to the effect that it'd been a long time and that the house sure would be lonely.
In fact the whole appeal of nihilism is that I get to gratify my dirty parts and indulge my alcoholism, and I don't have to worry about Jesus disapproving. But I may just be making a low time preference choice, instead of deferring gratification for what's really important, like the greatest Love that anyone can experience. Deferring gratification is one of those inescapable truths of existence, from my experience.
On the other hand it might not matter how I behave in life, at the end of the day, and I'd be giving up a lot of nice porn sessions for nothing.
Pascal's Wager assumes you're interested in behaving morally regardless of there being a God. I'm not as good a guy as Pascal had in mind.
So this is the existential dilemma I find myself in, and that I've gone back and forth on for several years. I'll sign up for an RCIA course, and usually flake out on it after Thanksgiving, assuming I make it that long.
Then of course, I also have to deal with the fact that when I go along with my lazy, nihilistic inclinations, I usually just wind up hurting other people or getting myself into trouble.
I never just say, I'll be a lazy nihilist. It's sold as being a virtuous pagan (I am a theist, regardless of how my Christian journey finally ends.) Being a virtuous pagan, sounds good, but if you're inclined to drunken debauchery, and the only thing holding you back is pride, you're going to inevitably say fuck it, and go back to internet porn and booze.
My reading clues me in to how weak minded I truly am. I read Thomas Merton's “The Seven Storey Mountain”, and except towards the end, I was very moved towards conversion. Then I followed it up with Charles Bukowski's “Women,” which I thought would disgust me with its decadence, but instead I was inspired to pursue alcoholism and womanizing as noble pursuits.
And I can't help but feel, my wanting God to be real, wanting Heaven to be real, wanting Truth to have some meaning is all sentimental wishful thinking on my part? Or is my wanting it all to be pious nonsense just my depraved, sinful nature, in rebellion to the Lord?
This is the battle I've gone round and round about for years. I keep two sets of books, both consistent, just with slightly different metaphysical assumptions between the two.
It all comes down to even odds between the choices. Defer gratification and get eternity maybe, but you might get shafted out of enjoying the only life you're ever going to get if you're wrong. Or go balls out in life, experience everything you can, and then wind up old, broken, and weeping, gnashing your teeth in the outer darkness when you're time comes up.
I looked at Buddhism, but it seems more the virtuous pagan path. From what I can gather from my readings into it, most of Buddhist practice is mental exercises that are rather mundane. Meditation is just teaching yourself to concentrate, and maybe once in a while after a lot of practice you'll have a vision or two. And if you're wrong, and Buddhism is right, you get a mulligan.
Other Christian sects don't strike me as consistent or as plausible. Theologically, Catholicism has them beat. The best of the lot is Calvinism, and that should give anyone pause as to the horror that was the Protestant Reformation.
The only thing for it is to make a choice and stick to it? Flip a coin? Pray and ask for some of that grace?
I'm at my wit's end, as I have to start another RCIA class starting in less that two weeks.