hopelessdope

In a way I do want to run away to someplace new I just wonder if anything or anyone will be different. To tell you the truth right now there isn't anyone I want to be closer with no one that I want to get to know better. I don't even know that I have had that close of relationships with people but tried myself into thinking so. I feel that certain people I held a bit close because I wanted someone there but they really held me with little regard and dissappeared pretty quick when something new came about.

I really don't know if I can let my guard down to people I mean I can barely do it here. I feel the moment I do that I will be left behind which is something I can't stomach anymore. Maybe it's easier having nothing because then you can't lose anything. I'm just alone and feel like it will always be that way. Really I'm just the type of person that needs a certain amount of intimantcy but don't know how to go about it.

I don't know what I'm doing right now steph but I'm just going with the flow.

Oh what ex were you talking about anyways? That does sound weird to date someone that sounds like a copy of you kind of like he's looking for another you or maybe he just sticks to a certain type. I don't think I have ever dated anyone that can be compared to another in any way at all. Fuck who am I kidding though I rarely date and when I do it's people I don't like all that much. I'm much too intimidated to talk to people I actually like

I just feel rejection when it really isn't there and I just end up feeling pissy towards people for no real reason.

oh the ex I was talking about was the one that said "shut the fuck up" pretty recently. that loser that wanted more than i did, or so he thought, when all it really was is that he had control issues that, apparently, he wasn't even aware of. he did agree in the end though.

yeah, that was freaky to me. the one he dated before me wad my complete opposite. i think he did develop some affection for punkish type girls after dating me. he used to get mad when i would see some hot punk or goth girl and point her out. he would say that wasn't attractive. guess he thinks differently now.

i guess people start to desire things after they get used to them. they develop some sort of affection. on the other hand, many people do the complete opposite. like jay won't even consider dating any girl that is punk or goth or whatever. he's strictly about the preppy-ish girls.

eh. i myself don't really care what someone is into or how they dress. i was about to say or what kind of music they liten to but my god, sometimes that is annoying. i didn't care before but the last psycho listen to classic rock. jeez. i couldn't take that crap anymore. i can tolerate almost anything but... eh, it became more annoying as he did. i suppose that it was him and not the music as to why the music bothered me so much.

well, as for your lack of intimacy, once you meet the right person you'll let your guard down a bit. well, i can't say you for sure, but for myself and everyone i know that doesn't like people to get too close it's true. when i meet someone i fidn worthy of my time i let me guard down little by little.

i do it with some people. it's easier online for me, but it also depends on who. i was thinking about this last night for some reason. oh, i remember it was because i went by lily's old board. anyway, i was thinking about how i've know you, lily, and shamim for nearly 5 years now and how much i let each of you know me and vice versa. not point to this really other than i guess it always just depends on how comfortable we are with someone and if they can or can't hurt us in any way.

I understand the rejection feeling when it's not there. i always get weird vibes like this once a month but i know what that's from. mine is pretty severe where i'm sure i need anri-depressants during that time and it's just like when people need them normally, so i'm just saying that i understand that feeling (even if not all the time). I still think you should take something for it, and i know you're opposed to that. hey, why not research eastern medicine if you don't always agree with western. can't hurt, huh?

Yeah, I'll drive on over.

Oh wait, I don't have a car anymore.

well it's not until september

no fuck off I just haven't been on here. I'm feeling fine right now so it's cool. Really I don't think I could go to one of those places I don't know there is just something about admitting all your fuck ups to some stranger that doesn't seem appealing to me.

Sometimes I have to vent out things by writing about them. I don't see any drug or anything someone says to me making things better I just feel like this is something I have to work out on my own. I don't think I could go to a welfare place either the idea of charity isn't really appealing to me. I'm the dumb fool that would starve as opposed to accept charity because I have too much ego and pride.. I'm such a fool.

Thanks for caring though Steph you are about the only person who listens to me and sometimes I wonder why you even do that. When I'm in my moods I don't know how anyone can stand it I guess that's why I keep to myself a lot. But thanks again.

No, you fuck off.

Nah, it's cool. Hey I have one observation though...

Really I don't think I could go to one of those places I don't know there is just something about admitting all your fuck ups to some stranger that doesn't seem appealing to me.

I don't see any drug or anything someone says to me making things better...

You're a psychology major! hahahhaha! I'm sooo sorry but that strikes me as very funny. But who knows, maybe you're on to the next effective therapy.

Oh and when I made the suggestion about food, it's not welfare or anything. Here the township trustee's office is only around for people that can't really get welfare stuffs. It's just there for the community members when they run into a tight spot. I've been there for my electric bill twice (in different years) just cause I was short on money. I wasn't get food stamps or anything.

I understand the ego and pride though. For the last 8 months or so I've went hungry or whatever just so I didn't have to ask anyone. My friends would piss me off and me them because I wouldn't take any help.

And never say thanks, I'm your friend, no thanks ever required. I listen and care because you're a pretty awesome person and friend. You don't give yourself enough credit. Too bad we can't be "real" friends though, like in real life. You're one of the only people that doesn't get on my every nerve and that's seriously saying a lot. Most people piss me off or drive me insane.

Andway, enough with the sappiness.

It was something by Sartre it's called Exisentialism and Human Emotion. It's alright but I only read about 3/4ths of it and it's pretty short. I've been having trouble concentrating all I keep thinking of is all the things and have going on that I have no controll over. I can't stand all the troubles I have no way out of. I was also reading Carl Rogers yesterday at work he's pretty good. Today though I think I'm going to go for some fiction even though I'm just going to reread a book because nothing else is catching my fancy well at least no smaller books and I don't feel like lugging a giant book into work.

I have to say I'm not too keen on the idea of being alone the rest of my life but I know there are worst outcomes out there. I won't force myself into something for the sake of having something there. I do agree internet relationships are just ugh well at least in my experience. People seem exciting at first but if I can't physically see them and hang out with them then my interest in that whole thing dies out soon. Looks only play a slight role for me I mean there must be some semblence of physical attractiveness for me but I defintly have to enjoy who they are as a person. I need someone with strong character and a unique personality because otherwise I just have trouble staying interested. People try to tell me things like intelligence won't matter if I find someone I love but I dont think I am shallow like that with intelligence more so than with looks I could date a ugly person but I dont think I could a stupid person.

As far as friends go I can't stand any of mine at the moment. They haven't done anything but that is part of it... I don't feel that important to any of my friends and well that is something I require at times. That is one thing I enjoy a lot more about a relationship you get full attention and you're made to feel important. I have trouble getting remotely close to people though lately it seems some part of me malfunctions and Ijust do my best to piss them off so they go away. I don't know part of me always wonders what if someone else is better for me and I don't think that is a thought I should have if I'm with someone.

..and I just do my best to piss them off so they go away. I don't know part of me always wonders what if someone else is better for me and I don't think that is a thought I should have if I'm with someone.

Man me too. I am always doing this. Every person I have been with since, well, forever, I've never thought was the one for me. I'm always looking elsewhere and wondering. I'm always thinking there has to be a better match for me. This is one thing that amde me believe myself to be borderline. Borderline people do this all the time.

And I have to agree about intelligence. With some of my more brilliant friends, When I think about them I think that I could possibly date them even though I don't find them physically attractive, I do intellectually. But with the more attractive people that are, well, sort of stupid, I can't imagine ever dating them.

I know I'm shallow with intelligence and I don't really care. Otherwise, I'll just sit there and think about how stupid the person is until it gets on my nerves so much that I say something mean to them.

Then I feel like an ass.

Fuck you, I hate Ohio!

No shit!









Just kidding. Don't kill me or anything. I just want to make you laugh, but could be I piss you off. Hey, that might be ok. Wanna box? I'll kick your ass, you know that, right?

But yeah, I'm fed up with the whole punk and emo crap too. I live in a surburban area and there's so many rich kids dressing a certain way and listening to certain bands to be "cool." Whatever. I'm sure it's always been this way and always will be. At least I know that I'm white trash for real (but I've never been proud of it). These kids seem to want people to believe they're trash. Strange.

I'm not feeling so much hateful. I'm all loving today, but it's probably just because I know that I'm visiting TN next week. Something to look forward to, ya know?

Ha yeah having something to actually look forward helps well if that something is worthwhile anyways.

Yesterday I was just moody and someone said the wrong thing that just pissed me the fuck off. It was no real big deal but I'm just like that at times which bothers me I get pissed off at little things then blow them up into something big. I have to bit my tongue isolate myself and wait for it to blow over.

I really get so sick of trends and people who follow them like they are doing something special. I mean fuck give it up kid be yourself be real even if that means your a boring nothing at least that is what you are. I just can't stand it now and I couldn't stand it in school either I don't do good with trends they just feel so icky.

I like what I like and I hate what I hate... and I love myself.

well i wasn't talking about going to india that's just crazy talk I was talking about south america which is much better

I don't think I'll ever be able save any money I'm going to die a broke bastard

haha. you ass. india... south america... what's the damn difference. :p

you big corn ball.

I've learned to laugh at all the crap it just takes me time sometimes.

I haven't been able to have as much ice cream as I'd because of money. I've also found alcohol does a better job of chasing the blues away or at least leaves them incoherant where I don't even know what it's all about.

I don't know what I'm going to do at times and well sometimes I don't care.

man, that makes me feel bad. hey, if you were closer, i would take you out for some ice cream.

blech. i hate white castle.

i probably liked it more than i should just because of cal penn.

too bad his butt didn't look any better than it did in the movie.

oh yeah I wasn't really checking his butt out I really don't even know who he is.