Sometimes I take a step back look at my life and hate what I see. If you don't like what is there you're suppose to try to change it right? What if you don't know how to change things or the things you have to change will take a lot of time? I'm in a pit right now of finacial debt and everything else that surrounds me is just like a blank white background holding nothing for me.
Last night I was thinking on suicide again it's something that has been running through my mind a lot lately. I look at the reasons to do it and the reasons not to do it. This something you can't even talk to someone about because all you'll get is don't do it or you're just looking for attention. All I want is for some of constant stress and bad crap to go away and I'm not sure how to go about doing that. Sometimes it seems just dying would be the easiest way to end all the bad stuff. It's funny some cultures actually look at suicide as honorable in some instances but not ours here it's looked at as being weak and selfish. I'll be truthful it's not something that I really want to do but I also can see why it can be a viable option when you really don't have much else going for you. In the end I don't know what I'll do considering I'm a moody and emotional person. There are not as many reasons not to do it anymore I don't have kids, I don't have an extremely close family (I do realize it would bother them but eh), and well I dont have much going on in my life or friends that are that close. The main reason I just don't bite the big one is because I don't want to give up on the hope that maybe there is more and well sometimes the bad things don't bother me too much but then again sometimes they do. Really I don't know but I'll figure out what works best I suppose.
I'd like to be able to write but my damn mind is so scattered that I can't concentrate. My whole damn life my concentration has been fucked up it pisses me off so much.
Last night I was thinking on suicide again it's something that has been running through my mind a lot lately. I look at the reasons to do it and the reasons not to do it. This something you can't even talk to someone about because all you'll get is don't do it or you're just looking for attention. All I want is for some of constant stress and bad crap to go away and I'm not sure how to go about doing that. Sometimes it seems just dying would be the easiest way to end all the bad stuff. It's funny some cultures actually look at suicide as honorable in some instances but not ours here it's looked at as being weak and selfish. I'll be truthful it's not something that I really want to do but I also can see why it can be a viable option when you really don't have much else going for you. In the end I don't know what I'll do considering I'm a moody and emotional person. There are not as many reasons not to do it anymore I don't have kids, I don't have an extremely close family (I do realize it would bother them but eh), and well I dont have much going on in my life or friends that are that close. The main reason I just don't bite the big one is because I don't want to give up on the hope that maybe there is more and well sometimes the bad things don't bother me too much but then again sometimes they do. Really I don't know but I'll figure out what works best I suppose.
I'd like to be able to write but my damn mind is so scattered that I can't concentrate. My whole damn life my concentration has been fucked up it pisses me off so much.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
Sometimes I have to vent out things by writing about them. I don't see any drug or anything someone says to me making things better I just feel like this is something I have to work out on my own. I don't think I could go to a welfare place either the idea of charity isn't really appealing to me. I'm the dumb fool that would starve as opposed to accept charity because I have too much ego and pride.. I'm such a fool.
Thanks for caring though Steph you are about the only person who listens to me and sometimes I wonder why you even do that. When I'm in my moods I don't know how anyone can stand it I guess that's why I keep to myself a lot. But thanks again.
Nah, it's cool. Hey I have one observation though...
Really I don't think I could go to one of those places I don't know there is just something about admitting all your fuck ups to some stranger that doesn't seem appealing to me.
I don't see any drug or anything someone says to me making things better...
You're a psychology major! hahahhaha! I'm sooo sorry but that strikes me as very funny. But who knows, maybe you're on to the next effective therapy.
Oh and when I made the suggestion about food, it's not welfare or anything. Here the township trustee's office is only around for people that can't really get welfare stuffs. It's just there for the community members when they run into a tight spot. I've been there for my electric bill twice (in different years) just cause I was short on money. I wasn't get food stamps or anything.
I understand the ego and pride though. For the last 8 months or so I've went hungry or whatever just so I didn't have to ask anyone. My friends would piss me off and me them because I wouldn't take any help.
And never say thanks, I'm your friend, no thanks ever required. I listen and care because you're a pretty awesome person and friend. You don't give yourself enough credit. Too bad we can't be "real" friends though, like in real life. You're one of the only people that doesn't get on my every nerve and that's seriously saying a lot. Most people piss me off or drive me insane.
Andway, enough with the sappiness.