holliday

LESSONS LEARNED: #2

LOVE...

Two years ago, this shriveled little stone cold heart met an extraordinary man and fell in love.

Not only was he the sexiest thing on god's green earth...but the two of us were like two peas in a pod...except for the fact that he lived out of state.

For a girl who has never dated...this was an ideal situation. We talked on the phone on all of his school breaks (three times a day for about ten minutes each...).

He invited me out to his house in Pennsylvania for a week and...the girl who never takes a vacation...took a week off and nine hours by train later...there I was...

The fact that I was willing to do this still makes me somewhat vomitous...

***

While there I came face to face with a lot of my own beliefs about what girlfriends/boyfriends/relationships were really for.

The girl who'd believed that girlfriends were for giving good head and staying out of their man's way...found herself with a man who didn't have a sex drive and couldn't orgasm because of medication...

The fact that he still wanted to be with me forced me to realize that there was more to this than I'd thought.

And the fact that he was willing to get out of school at 2am and drive six hours straight into NYC to be with me...well, you get the point.

And when the two of us were too stressed out to be any good for one another...and I believed the most loving and supportive thing I could do was to leave him alone...and five months of not speaking later...when I shot that drunken text message out into the universe ("i still miss u") firmly believing his phone didn't receive messages...except it did...and he called me back immediately and it was like not a second had passed between the last time we spoke...

Ok...I'm sure I've driven this point home now...

***

Unfortunately, while there was never a match more made in heaven...we were also a bit like star crossed lovers...

Due to his being in school (exactly like i am now...sole focus being school...not knowing where i'll end up...) he didn't want to date me. Whether he loved me or not, it wasn't possible for us to be together.

We went on loving one another though...and his committment to bettering his own life, despite how it gave ME the short end of the stick...inspired me to follow my own dreams.

Without his support, I could never have made this happen.

But being out here with nothing but the thought of him has helped me realize something else about love...


I have always been the girl who lived her life on her own.

I've left loved ones behind so many times I can't count them all and I've never looked back.

I've always been committed to never being the girl who made important life decisions based on some guy.

But here I was...yes, me...suddenly realizing that...busy redirecting an unhappy life onto the path of my own choosing...reaching for the brass ring when I saw my chance...and no matter how much this has all meant to me...I realized that love is what I had wanted all along.

That in the end, the dream I saw for myself was a house to call home, a job that was satisfying and paid the bills, a group of friends to bbq with on Sundays, and a loving man's arms to curl up in at the end of a hard day.

***

Now The Greaser is out of school...and as far as I know, he's still not wanting to be with me. I know he's working his fingers to the bone...I know he's tired...over worked and under paid...

I was sensitive to his needs and supportive of his decision. I took what he had to offer and promised myself the rest later.

Because in the beginning it was enough...but when my road got rough and I found myself alone...I realized I needed more. More importantly, I realized that it was OK to need more.

***

The other thing I learned about love?

Sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes being perfect for one another can't change the facts...

And sometimes even though you think the pain might kill you...it's time to let go.