holliday

GOOD NEWS:

I FINALLY named my car!!! THE MOLLY ROGER!

Get it?! Skulls...crossbones...pirate flags...the jolly roger?

Aw shit...well I thought it was funny anyway.
I'd tried some more respectable names from songs I liked...Claudette...Bernadette...etc...but nothing seemed right.

When this came to mind and I giggled my little heart out, I knew I'd found it.

***

During an unscheduled smoke break from class...standing outside with Army Guy...we were talking about how tired we were.

I mean, I get up every day at 5 AM...I could complain about that...but I do it every day. Besides, I'm home by 1PM and can have a nap if I want one (i've actually stopped doing that). It's not like I work every day or anything...so why am I so tired?

It's just the mental and emotional drain of working so hard in school, day after day...and struggling with work to make ends meet...

With no vacations...it's hard. And having hardly missed a minute of classtime since I walked in the first day...

The days string together...one after another...with seemingly no end in sight.

I remember when I first showed up...and looking down the long, long road ahead, I was freaked out. I looked at the schedule of classes and saw so many I didn't think I'd ever be able to handle.

But...in my ballsy fashion, I jumped in with both feet and never looked back...

I just kept looking forward...and looking down that long road...it's fucking exhausting!

During this conversation with Army Guy, we both admitted that we could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I admitted that this miracle had only JUST happened.
That in the last class I hadn't seen it.

He admitted he was the same way. Both of us, having not missed a second of class time missed an ENTIRE day of class time...and seemingly didn't care.

I suppose it was some kind of break down on both our parts.
That motivated, energetic part of us just ran out...
I did TRY to get up, get dressed, get to school, even though I was late (and drunk)...but I just didn't have it in me.

I'm sorry I did that, but it seemed inevitable.

And now...coming into the new class...I can FINALLY see the finish line!!!

I'm still exhausted and fuck...but seeing the end coming nearer has given me back that motivation, inspiration, and energy that I had when I first got here.

Where will I end up? Who knows...
It scares the shit out of me to not know what's coming next...
The only plan I had was to show up here...
I left the rest of it an open ended mystery...

I'm afraid I will play small in my life and choose something safe...

So I've returned to reading my inspirational books and stuff...reminding myself to play BIG.

I didn't risk so much to play small! That's for sure!!!