holliday

Achey...inside and out.

I'm at my wits end with this job.

I made the decision to leave about six months ago...when our funding and grants started to fall apart. For me, that was the last straw.

Since then, when things at work frustrated me...I'd let it just roll off my back...I mean, it was annoying, but who cares? I was leaving!

Now...coming into the homestretch...just about three weeks left...the little things (and there are tons of little things) that have annoyed me...seem big as mountains.

When my files go missing, as they always have. The printer doesn't work, the internet poops out (yes, i'm down the street again this morning paying for my minutes)...no air conditioning, my incompentant co-workers...lack of protocol...

The final straw yesterday? Being micromanaged by an incompetant boss. All of my files, stat reports, intake packets, and other paperwork, will all be updated and tied up with a neat little ribbon within the next three weeks. I've even agreed to write up the treatment plans due the month I leave...even though I won't be there to have my clients sign off on them.

And still...this boss feels the need to come into my office when I'm not there and remove the files I've been working on...bring them into her office and actually waste her time by writing little sticky notes on them about what needs to be done to them...all without telling me.

So...when I'm actually doing the little work I can do without the internet (half of our paperwork needs internet access...a thing we warned them about before they instituted this method, and clearly ignored)...and I go to file these papers away...only to find my files missing, as fucking usual...

I go harass my incompetent case manager...who pulls out these dopleganger files she's created for my clients. Not real files, that belong in the file cabinet where all the workers can find them, since we all share these files...but COPIES of the neccessary papers...kept in a drawer in her desk...not in a pile, where the rest of us leave out our files so that the other workers can find them if needed...

I figure these files are better than nothing, at least untilI can find the REAL ones. I bring them into my office and start creating a new pile of files to update. And while I was gone for five minutes...outside smoking...in the bathroom, in the file room, I dunno...the boss comes in and takes THOSE files too...

I come back to find THEM missing...and start to flip the fuck out...

Have I ever mentioned my SMALL (read: sometimes quite large) problem with anger management?

I'm asking everyone where these files are...nobody seems to know...

I finally find myself in my boss's office...waiting for her to get off the phone...only to catch a glimpse of this here large pile of files on her floor...I start to flip through them...they're all the files I just spent about a half hour looking for...the files I had been busy updating...now covered in these stupid little sticky notes...

My favorite part was finding those dopleganger files, COVERED in sticky notes stating that there isn't a single piece of paperwork from your truly in any of them...

Oooooooooooo..........boy was I fucking boiling at this point...THIS on top of everything.........

I grab these files, storm back to my office and slam them into the relatively empty drawer I keep my toys in (yes, toys...coloring books, uno, board games...for these kind of days...when it's too hot to work or our internet is missing...

Now I have them hidden in my office...I'm slaming things and cursing loudly...

My co-workers have a look of absolute terror on their face...as I can, despite my small stature, be pretty scary when I get mad...

They simply stand back...and let me rant...and then it was off to that group I talked about yesterday.

After the group...I felt much better. Recentered to the ACTUAL important stuff.

***

I'm stressed to the max.

At my wits end...

Dealing with this work frustration...on top of the environmental problems in the office...

Stressed in regards to the turn my life will take in a few weeks...

Facing down some pretty intense fears coming up for me with the greaser...running into some pretty painful places for me and surging through them.

I'm filled with fear and stress...

I stuffed myself with nachos, ice cream, and whiskey last night before passing out on my couch...with my candle still burning...aw jeez...I know better than to light candles when I'm drinking...doing things against my better judgement never makes me feel good.

I woke up a few hours later and climbed into bed (after blowing out the candle, of course).

Waking up this morning my back and neck hurt more than it has in the past few weeks. I actually had to dose on ibuprofen

***

Things really aren't that bad.
I'm no stranger to fear and stress.

All I'm saying is...is there gonna be any slobberknocking this weekend...because I really need to blow off some fucking steam...

Besides...I worked through some of that fear and stress in regards to the greaser just by crying it out last night. I'm feeling clear and centered.

Anyway, sorry again for the seriously yucky tone of THIS entry too...two days in a row.