Hold onto your hats boys and girls!!!
You're not going to believe me when I tell you this...
But I actually told the greaser it was over.
Ok, so I actually told his voicemail that it was over...and that only after throwing back three shots of vodka on an empty stomach. But at least it's done...sorta.
I pounded out a page of the essay, so at least I'd have something to work with today. Showed up late for the 7:30 hapkido class, but was allowed to join after warming up on my own. We reviewed some of the things I needed which made me happy...and headed home.
I sat there, in the pansy-assed sad music and candle light...writing out what I wanted to say to him. All the things that have been going through my mind for the past few weeks.
I wanted to get it all out on paper so I could remove all the stupid self-name calling and apologizing for not being good enough...which is something I sometimes feel, but definitely don't really mean.
I whittled it down to the nuts and bolts, finished off my drinks, waiting for him to go back to class so I knew I'd get his voicemail...(pansy) and called.
I really wanted to hang up...but didn't. When the voicemail picked up...I didn't even read what I had on the paper...I ended up giving him the outline version of the nuts and bolts...it went something like this:
"It's clear that you don't need me hanging around anymore, so I'm just gonna go.
I just wanted you to know what an extraordinary person I think you are and how much your friendship has meant to me.
Y'know...I wasn't trying to marry you or have your babies or anything...I don't know what I was trying to do.
Please don't erase my number. I'd rather know you weren't calling because you didn't want to than because you weren't able to.
I'm sorry. I'm going to miss you.
Bye."
And then I promptly passed out.
He called me back, of course...it was actually kinda sad. The first message he sounded all happy. He said he couldn't get to his voicemail but that he'd seen I'd called. Blah blah blah...
Five minutes later another call. Not as happy this time. He said he didn't know how to describe our relationship either. But that his not calling just means he's busy. He spent a long time trying to explain how he's just a "do what's in your face" kinda guy. He said he knew I wasn't trying to marry him or have his babies. He started to say something else and then just said that we'd talk before I go and see what happens.
But I know that nothing is going to change. And I forgot to tell him I loved him.
You're not going to believe me when I tell you this...
But I actually told the greaser it was over.
Ok, so I actually told his voicemail that it was over...and that only after throwing back three shots of vodka on an empty stomach. But at least it's done...sorta.
I pounded out a page of the essay, so at least I'd have something to work with today. Showed up late for the 7:30 hapkido class, but was allowed to join after warming up on my own. We reviewed some of the things I needed which made me happy...and headed home.
I sat there, in the pansy-assed sad music and candle light...writing out what I wanted to say to him. All the things that have been going through my mind for the past few weeks.
I wanted to get it all out on paper so I could remove all the stupid self-name calling and apologizing for not being good enough...which is something I sometimes feel, but definitely don't really mean.
I whittled it down to the nuts and bolts, finished off my drinks, waiting for him to go back to class so I knew I'd get his voicemail...(pansy) and called.
I really wanted to hang up...but didn't. When the voicemail picked up...I didn't even read what I had on the paper...I ended up giving him the outline version of the nuts and bolts...it went something like this:
"It's clear that you don't need me hanging around anymore, so I'm just gonna go.
I just wanted you to know what an extraordinary person I think you are and how much your friendship has meant to me.
Y'know...I wasn't trying to marry you or have your babies or anything...I don't know what I was trying to do.
Please don't erase my number. I'd rather know you weren't calling because you didn't want to than because you weren't able to.
I'm sorry. I'm going to miss you.
Bye."
And then I promptly passed out.
He called me back, of course...it was actually kinda sad. The first message he sounded all happy. He said he couldn't get to his voicemail but that he'd seen I'd called. Blah blah blah...
Five minutes later another call. Not as happy this time. He said he didn't know how to describe our relationship either. But that his not calling just means he's busy. He spent a long time trying to explain how he's just a "do what's in your face" kinda guy. He said he knew I wasn't trying to marry him or have his babies. He started to say something else and then just said that we'd talk before I go and see what happens.
But I know that nothing is going to change. And I forgot to tell him I loved him.
hope to see you at an sgny event one of these days.