***STORY TIME***
Growing up, my brother and I were like two peas in a pod.
Funny that, since we were two Irish kids adopted into a Jewish family...
But our lives got tragic quick...and we learned that we were each other's greatest strength. I know, like I know the sun will rise tomorrow, that without his validating my reality, I would have been broken.
Not to say that our personalities were the same, they weren't. It was clear from day one that we each represented the OTHER end of the spectrum. But we shared one very important thing in common...our tragic history.
He was someone I never had to defend myself to, explain myself to...growing up he knew me inside and out. All my quirks, strange behaviors, issues, and why I had them.
***
Our friendship, was a sibling friendship to rival any and all sibling friendships...
Often when people heard me speak of him, they'd ask if we were twins...even though he was two and a half years older than I, and not even related by blood...
To see us out at the bar, you'd think we were dating...
Two intelligent, good looking folks of opposite gender drinking it up like good ol' buddies...
He was more real to me than the ground I walked on...the air I breathed.
***
Together we shared another thing...the long years that followed our tragic history.
I admit I spent many years drowning in it.
Consumed by it.
Owned by it.
But so long as I had him to share it with me, I could survive and move forward.
***
Then, once upon a time...life knocked me down. Seriously.
Knocked me down in the way where I woke up one day and realized I was NOT the person I'd thought I was. And that the very foundation I'd built my life upon...was no longer true. No longer right. No longer real.
I suppose I could have let this experience kill me entirely...instead I used it as an opportunity to re-evaluate it all. Question who I'd been...what I believed...why I believed it... Who was I? Why? Was that me making decisions from my tragic past or me making decisions from who I really was?
It was a long, slow, painful process...
I would take one step forward, and two steps back...
I'd have growth spurts and then regress...
***
In this process I think I started to hide things from him.
I was becoming a person outside of our painful history.
I was becoming me.
***
Over time...I became a woman who said what she meant.
Believed what she meant...and believed from the very bottom of her heart.
I can be contraversial.
I can be outspoken.
But I'm always me.
***
About a year ago...I blindsided my brother with some news.
The TRUTH about what Houston was for me. My experience. The decisions I'd had to make.
He couldn't handle it. And the truth is, I don't necessarily blame him.
He spent a week sending me emails spewing hate like I've never really known.
I tried to give him his time and space to be angry and digest what I'd told him...but the things he said were so hurtful...I too, became prideful.
And no matter how much I'd missed him, no matter how much I needed him...I would NOT get in touch. I would NOT be the one to bow down and reach out.
***
Until about two weeks ago. His birthday.
I sent him an email...I don't think I need to go into what it said.
It took a week, but I finally got a response...the same hatefilled response I'd gotten before...
And it left me whirling with all kinds of different and conflicting thoughts and emotions.
Sadness to lose the one real thing in my life.
Angry at the things he'd said...
Lonely to lose the only family member I really have...
Resentment at not being able to be heard...
I went numb...
I cried it out with a roommate...(bless his soul)
I got angry...
I made peace...
***
More than anything I was left with this amazed disbelief of having the one person who's supposed to know me best of all..not really knowing me at all.
It's funny sometimes who can handle the truth, accept you for who you are...not judge...and who can't.
***
The difference between this email and the others...is this one was followed by a "p.s." stating he knew he was making me all bad and wrong...maybe he just needed more time...which in whatever big or small way, is a breakthrough.
***
But here's the bigger truth of it all...
You can love me or hate me.
Judge me or support me.
Come with me or let me go it alone...
But tomorrow morning my alarm will go off at 5am...
I will put one foot in front of the other...and be EXACTLY who I am.
A woman who does not explain.
Will not apologize.
After all these years, I finally love and respect myself.
Whether or not you do is not my mother fucking concern.
Put in the same circumstances...with the same set of opportunities...I'd make the same choice.
If nothing else...you've got to trust me.
Here's a pic of me thinking these here deep thoughts...just in case you were wondering where all this ground breaking shit was going down...
And yes...that me relaxing on a couch in my front yard...but that's a story for another time...
Growing up, my brother and I were like two peas in a pod.
Funny that, since we were two Irish kids adopted into a Jewish family...
But our lives got tragic quick...and we learned that we were each other's greatest strength. I know, like I know the sun will rise tomorrow, that without his validating my reality, I would have been broken.
Not to say that our personalities were the same, they weren't. It was clear from day one that we each represented the OTHER end of the spectrum. But we shared one very important thing in common...our tragic history.
He was someone I never had to defend myself to, explain myself to...growing up he knew me inside and out. All my quirks, strange behaviors, issues, and why I had them.
***
Our friendship, was a sibling friendship to rival any and all sibling friendships...
Often when people heard me speak of him, they'd ask if we were twins...even though he was two and a half years older than I, and not even related by blood...
To see us out at the bar, you'd think we were dating...
Two intelligent, good looking folks of opposite gender drinking it up like good ol' buddies...
He was more real to me than the ground I walked on...the air I breathed.
***
Together we shared another thing...the long years that followed our tragic history.
I admit I spent many years drowning in it.
Consumed by it.
Owned by it.
But so long as I had him to share it with me, I could survive and move forward.
***
Then, once upon a time...life knocked me down. Seriously.
Knocked me down in the way where I woke up one day and realized I was NOT the person I'd thought I was. And that the very foundation I'd built my life upon...was no longer true. No longer right. No longer real.
I suppose I could have let this experience kill me entirely...instead I used it as an opportunity to re-evaluate it all. Question who I'd been...what I believed...why I believed it... Who was I? Why? Was that me making decisions from my tragic past or me making decisions from who I really was?
It was a long, slow, painful process...
I would take one step forward, and two steps back...
I'd have growth spurts and then regress...
***
In this process I think I started to hide things from him.
I was becoming a person outside of our painful history.
I was becoming me.
***
Over time...I became a woman who said what she meant.
Believed what she meant...and believed from the very bottom of her heart.
I can be contraversial.
I can be outspoken.
But I'm always me.
***
About a year ago...I blindsided my brother with some news.
The TRUTH about what Houston was for me. My experience. The decisions I'd had to make.
He couldn't handle it. And the truth is, I don't necessarily blame him.
He spent a week sending me emails spewing hate like I've never really known.
I tried to give him his time and space to be angry and digest what I'd told him...but the things he said were so hurtful...I too, became prideful.
And no matter how much I'd missed him, no matter how much I needed him...I would NOT get in touch. I would NOT be the one to bow down and reach out.
***
Until about two weeks ago. His birthday.
I sent him an email...I don't think I need to go into what it said.
It took a week, but I finally got a response...the same hatefilled response I'd gotten before...
And it left me whirling with all kinds of different and conflicting thoughts and emotions.
Sadness to lose the one real thing in my life.
Angry at the things he'd said...
Lonely to lose the only family member I really have...
Resentment at not being able to be heard...
I went numb...
I cried it out with a roommate...(bless his soul)
I got angry...
I made peace...
***
More than anything I was left with this amazed disbelief of having the one person who's supposed to know me best of all..not really knowing me at all.
It's funny sometimes who can handle the truth, accept you for who you are...not judge...and who can't.
***
The difference between this email and the others...is this one was followed by a "p.s." stating he knew he was making me all bad and wrong...maybe he just needed more time...which in whatever big or small way, is a breakthrough.
***
But here's the bigger truth of it all...
You can love me or hate me.
Judge me or support me.
Come with me or let me go it alone...
But tomorrow morning my alarm will go off at 5am...
I will put one foot in front of the other...and be EXACTLY who I am.
A woman who does not explain.
Will not apologize.
After all these years, I finally love and respect myself.
Whether or not you do is not my mother fucking concern.
Put in the same circumstances...with the same set of opportunities...I'd make the same choice.
If nothing else...you've got to trust me.
Here's a pic of me thinking these here deep thoughts...just in case you were wondering where all this ground breaking shit was going down...
And yes...that me relaxing on a couch in my front yard...but that's a story for another time...
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Oh and by the by I have learned when ever I get really pissed at the world and need something to take my stress out on usually it comes out on my car... rusty bolts are a good release!