highresolution

Well. I've quit work. Can't handle them touching me anymore. I kind of snapped.

So tonight, I've got my first shift at a club dancing.

The last five, six days have been hell. I cut too many holes with the drugs in the fabric of my soul and watched the demons fall through.

And what scared me, is that they are my reality. I've been suspended in fantasy too long.

I met someone. And I'm surprised at the strength of what is there, and what could be.

We were sitting in his car after dinner, drinks and a few games of pool.
"Although you know a lot about me, there's maybe something I haven't told you. I do drugs."
"Apart from the fact I was as fucked as you at enchanted, the fact that you met Jelena at rehab perhaps was a slight indication."
"Yeah I guess it was."
And it hit me. Maybe I was deluding myself, thinking he'd semi kicked his huge speed habit. But that seductive, heavy opium like depraved atmosphere seeped through the windows and wrapped itself around me heart. I felt tired again.
I just sat there, inhaling deeply as he reached behind the seat and pulled out his shit, hearing the gas ignite and the soft bubbling. I always associated the soft tap tap along the syringe barrel as the tentative knocking of the lost against hells door.
"Do you mind?"
"It's your choice. I just have a personal hate against the shit."
"You been here?"
"No, but watched it take my ex."
"The guy that tapped himself?"
"Yeah."
"Shit."
Silence hung heavy.
"I'm not like the others though. I wouldn't even fucking associate with them. I actually hold down a fucking job."
"It doesn't make you any better."
"Ooh. Can you feel the chill in the air?". He raised a mocking eyebrow.
"Yes it does. I makes a big difference"
"No it doesn't. It's just another delusion."

And as later, I lay in his arms covered with the sickly sweet smell of his sweat and listened drowsily as he struggled to tell me what I already knew. I see it in all of them when they pull the lines of my body closer, and inhale my scent. Clients, tenderly moving me, almost revering.

Children. Boys.
We all search for beauty.

I ran way, blind. Last time, my nievety saved me.
Now, I don't know how the cards will fall.