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heathermaxine

london

Member Since 2002

Followers 1 Following 1

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Sunday Jul 13, 2003

Jul 13, 2003
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man, i am so sick of this shit.

i am sick of the cynics and the critics and all the people blind to beauty: there are too many. i'm sick of the bastards and the bitter and the jaded and the beaten. i am sick of defeat. resignation. complacence.

deprecation and self-deprecation and self-righteousness and self-serving selfish selfless bastards. women seeped with sorrow and no will to get out. people who believe they were born with only one leg.

weakness. fear. hatred. laziness. FUCK YOU. and judgement, especially... i hate judgemental people. you know. judge judgement. prejudiced against prejudice. intolerant of intolerance. hate hatred. it's all bullshit. hamurabi or who the fuck ever and his code. "an eye for an eye" he says. "and the whole world's blind" says someone else. "what's so bad about blindness, anyways?" asks me.

funny because i was just trashing the people blind to beauty. so bloody contradictory... if i'm going to try to be HONEST i might as well be consistent. but i'm not sure that consistancy is truth either. life is too blurry for that. but i am honest, in the sense that i believe everything i say. even when one thought clashes with the next. no wonder i'm in so much turmoil! truly believing that the world is black and white. truly believing in the beauty of the shades of grey. truly believing in colour!

it isn't beauty and ugliness that i'm fighting against. not that i'm fighting. taoism doesn't respect the fight. but... it isn't beauty and ugliness themselves. it was when someone said, "beauty is good. ugliness is bad." it was when someone said, "beauty and ugliness cannot be one and the same." that was when i stopped believing in things. and that was very early on.

passion. that's everyone's favourite baby, yeah? mine too. passion is great. i've never had passion fruit but i'm sure it's good too. but the reason passion is so powerful, so attractive, is that it is honest. it may not always be true but it is honest. it is raw and it is strong and it is real. i guess that's what we're looking for. within ourselves, within others, within life. we're looking for some truth, and passion is as close as we can get.

i mentioned taoism a minute ago? my biggest complaint with it was always its lack of passion. but it appealed to me, nonetheless drew me much more strongly than any western religion. it isn't a religion so much as a philosophy. an applicable approach to life. if lacking in passion.

the other philosophy that most drew me was existentialism. funny, because the basic premises are so polar. taoism: to flow through life, take pleasure in just being, (as opposed to being something in particular,) not make choices, the tao in everything. existentialism: to make of yourself. to choose your pathway and build upon it. to not depend on outside forces. but there is a subtle overlap of the two. in the largeness of life, and the smallness of us, in the joy of existence without gloss, there is some overlap. and i think, if anywhere, that's where i'd like to be.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
citrus:
you think you're sick of it, eh. well. it's a bummer, alright.
i saw a movie this weekend where the old man said his vision was improved with no eye-sight. i love that.
i believe in the color, too.. (i'd love to use a u wink ) it seems to make certain ideas a pain in the ass, but what will we do? deny the majority of the spectrum for one solid truth? not. not me.
i've witnessed such ugliness that i found it to be beautiful. so whatever.
your lines about passion are great. smile i've used some similar composition of words recently about the difference.
the thing about the tao isn't, to me, that it's even applicable. it just IS. and it doesn't lack in passion... it just balances it perfectly - because what IS is truth... then life IS honest. every breath of passion. stay that high all the time... seems like a challenge to me.
for me it's "center, center, lose control" because i'm "always coming home" and don't have control to begin with.... okay okay so so limited.
this note is long.
i stopped labeling myself long ago... i can never find a good term...
but it doesn't stop us from trying. judge yourself, why don't you.
the snake never manages to eat himself whole, even if he does get a bite of his tail, eh?
oh yeah - realize that's where you are. it's what i'm trying to do (not that i want you to be like me)... it's just an idea.

i miss you. i'm still trying to work out 'vacation' arrangements. do i really want to drive for nearly 60hrs within a week? mmmmmmm.
Jul 13, 2003
misha9999999:
i've met him once at la cave... which was accidental and
weird... seems like a nice guy... penny might be going
through with her plans to come here for a little... that should
be interesting to say the least... I went to NY again... That
place is like a magnet for me... I came back with $40 to my
name... but happy nonetheless ... we should meet, no?

[Edited on Jul 14, 2003]
Jul 14, 2003

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