It’s odd, looking back now. My thoughts provoked me to write this; I feel like I’ve got some clarity at the moment, so I want to make the most of it.
It’s strange, looking back now.
I read in an old psychiatry journal that part of the schizoid condition, quite a common theme among us, is the way you can stop existing. In a fashion.
You become truly selfless. The word ‘selfless’ used here to denote a lack of selfhood, autonomy.
You cease to sow your own seeds, instead opting to rely on others to provide you with an existence — you have no conviction within.
I often don’t see my own behaviour. So when someone reacts to me it comes as a complete surprise. I don’t always pick up what went wrong.
At least, that’s the dynamic I’ve been living with for 10+ years.
I’ve gone from one extreme to the other.
What doctors call paranoia is actually healthy in my case because it’s my way of levelling off. You can go between polar opposites and settle down in the centre after a while.
I call it the rudder effect. Leave the Nobel Peace Prize at my door and buzz me, we’re in the middle of a pandemic here.