Sometimes when people point out the virtues of others, I get a little insecure and feel as though it highlights my own shortcomings.
For the past several years, I’ve been grappling with the private difficulty presented by it.
For example, I’m listening to the radio and the DJ describes a guest as ‘deeply complex’, or ‘very funny’. It prompts me to question myself.
For most of my life, this hasn’t been a problem and I’ve lived without scrutinising myself or being so self conscious. But ever since my troubles began in 2010, I’ve been really fragile and easy to upset.
Not that I’d ever show it. You’d have to read my mind to find out about all this anxiety and turmoil.
I’ve never talked about it until now.
Half of the battle is identifying your own strengths. I’ve always relied on other people to highlight them for me, I still struggle to do that. So this is probably why I get insecure. Like some kind of fear of being engulfed by everybody else — being seen as inadequate, incompetent, charmless or useless.
But for the first time in my life, right now I feel like I’m moving forward. I have all these negatives which life forces me to dwell upon, but now I can say there are positive things happening for me.
It’s not all doom and gloom.
I’m slowly beginning to overcome negative biases I have about myself.
I’m prone to depressive thoughts and bouts of anger/frustration; these miniature meltdowns only occur when I’m under a lot of stress, for instance if I’m being ridiculed or trying to do something I find extremely difficult.
Self improvement has never been a big deal to me, I’d like to grow as a person but I’d also like to be someone who’s comfortable with who he is.
Life isn’t about being perfect.
The line, “you’re so beautiful that you’re a freak” really resonates because it kind of reminds me that things are totally subjective.
So as I go through life, I remind myself that it’s OK to be flawed, it’s OK to have issues that you’re dealing with, because everybody (despite what they say) has them. Everybody has problems. So why should I feel guilty or inadequate?
Even if there is a gun to my head, all I can do is do my best.
