hastwothumbs

Thanks for birthday wishes, all. Birthday fun was had. Whether or not it had anything to do with random strangers on the internet is up for debate. But, hey, let's go with that.

Went to a party Sunday that was a combination of several parties. It was my birthday, Deidrich's farewell, Deidrich's birthday, and the celebration of new Family Guy all in one.

So, yeah, it basically winded up being ten people drinking in Deidrich's garage.

Oh, lordy, lordy. Now I remember why I don't drink anymore: I'm a miserable, depressed drunk. The more I drink, the angrier I get. The angrier I get, the more I just want to sulk in a corner and brood. I've always been this way. Which, I suppose, makes me a good little emo.

But since this was a party people were trying to converse with me. Which only made me angrier. So I did my best to be an asshole.

There were three girls there; my sister, my engaged friend, and some girl who worked with Deidrich. Deidrich's co-worker was not my type at all, but since she was the only girl there I decided to "flirt" with her. And for those who don't know, my way of flirting is to mix Star Wars references with detailed descriptions of how I'd like to kill the girl. I don't remember most of what I said but I know she got upset and left after I told her she had an ass like a bean bag chair. (Which I meant as a compliment. Honest.)

You know that Saturday Night Live skit where Picasso is in the restaurant and tries to pay for his meal with paintings because he doesn't have any money since he spent them all on run-on sentences? Well, for some reason I thought that was the funniest thing ever. And when Deidrich's parents ordered seventy dollars worth of pizza, I tried to pay for it all with a drawing of a dinosaur in a pirate outfit. In a slurred, awful Italian accent: "It's a Michaelsaurus! It will be worth millions! Why won't you take it, you swine?! You don't know know what true art is! PHILISTINE! PIG! I WILL DRAW YOUR MOTHER NAKED AND POST IT IN ART GALLERIES! WE DON'T WANT YOUR PIZZA BECAUSE IT WAS PROBABLY MADE OUT OF BABIES! I WILL SMASH YOUR SKULL WITH A ROCK IN THIRTY MINUTES OR LESS! YOU AND YOUR DIRTY NAZI PIZZA!" Deidrich's dad had to drag me away and apparently they gave the delivery guy a forty dollar tip.

Deidrich did his best to make the night interesting, as well. Before I'd even arrived he had consumed a six pack of Guiness and a few beers. Then I took him out and he drank two three-liter Margaritas. Then we went back to his house where he drank a dozen more beers. Then a friend of his showed up with a huge bottle of Jack Daniel's, which Deidrich drank two-thirds of in a fifteen minute period. After that he passed out.

We thought he was dead for a minute.

Everyone was pretty concerned. But, having seen him in such a state before, told everyone it was a normal occurance.

Random kid: "I think we should call an ambulance."
Me: "Oh, he's fine. I've seen him drink way more." (Lies. All of it.)
Random kid: "What do you usually do when this happens?"
Me: "I throw him in a bathroom and go to sleep. He's usuallyy awake in the morning."

While he was passed out, everyone stopped drinking. I guess they were concerned. I, on the other hand, kept drinking.

Surprisingly, he came to after only an hour of being unconcious. That's when things got hilarious. His mom tried to talk to him, but all she got was various "fuck you"s.

"I'm drinkin' 'cause my friend died."
"Who died?"
"You know who died? Fuck you, that's who died."

The highlight was when he told his little brother to give him a blowjob right in front of their mother. I started cracking up and fell over. Which only made me laugh harder.

I am a great friend, I know.

There were plenty of other good moments, but I would probably be visited by the FBI if I detailed them all.