What Happens When You Have No Inspiration And Watch Too Much Sopranos (The Crappy Seasons)
“Cast down your weapons and we promise you’ll only be maimed,” promised the policeman with the megaphone. “Otherwise we swear to every god, goddess, demon, and buddha in the book that we will napalm this entire block.”
Within minutes the kidnappers marched out, single file and with hands on heads, much to the delight of the neighboring tenants. It took the better part of an hour to search the building and reunite all the stolen children with their families, much to the chagrin of Napalm Force. Like promised, the kidnappers were only given light beatings.
“Good work there, O’Malley,” beamed the police commissioner.
“All in a days’ work,” O’Malley flatly said as he packed up his megaphone.
“Nonsense,” the commissioner chuckled. “It’s not every day you save a busload of retards from being grafted to robots and sold on the black market to football coaches as ringers.”
“Thanks for the needless exposition, commish,” O’Malley groaned. “But being a robot isn’t such a bad thing. Even if you’re only half robot.”
“Oh,” the commissioner gulped. “Sorry about that, O’Malley. I forgot about your… I mean, that you…”
“Adopted a robot to replace my stillborn son,” O’Malley stated coldly.
“Yes, quite,” the commissioner avoided O’Malley’s face and looked around nervously. “Shame about Wanda, too. She was a good woman.”
“And now a good robot has taken her place,” O’Malley sighed.
“Yeah, about that,” the commissioner finally looked at O’Malley. Moving closer he whispered, “There’s something I need to tell you. You’ve done a great job so far of keeping it quiet and I appreciate it, O‘Malley. If the public found out that their chief of police was bedding one of… you know...”
“No,” O’Malley quietly answered, his voice barely able to veil his rage. “One of what?”
“Well… one of them,” the commissioner explained as softly as possible. “I mean, come on, O’Malley. We’ve been buddies for years and you know I’ve got nothing to say on it one way or the other. But ever since Vermont…”
“Just because one crazy fuck programs some robots to kill…”
“It was an entire goddamn,” the commissioner exclaimed before catching himself and lowering his voice. “It was an entire goddamn state, O’Malley. And need I remind you they’re still there? It’s like their own country now. Hardly the work of ‘some’ robots.”
“Last I heard there were only four hundred of them, maybe less. That’s twice as many as the army used to take Cuba.”
“Where’d you get that figure, the evening news four years ago? They’ve been there long enough to be at least two thousand strong by now. And if only a handful of them is enough to take down a floating military base like Cuba, think what an army of them could do to this place. People are scared, O’Malley, and rightfully so.”
“But we’ve got the most sophisticated weapons on the planet and have put them in the hands of highly trained, genetically modified soldiers. Cuba had a local militia made of under-fed farmers, over-beaten housewives, and children who couldn’t even chew through the cheap leather they would make sneakers with.”
“Alright, alright. Getting back on track, I just…”
“Realistically, we could bomb the planet ten times over if some asshole doesn’t watch where he puts his coffee mug. It’s a little suspicious that we haven’t them out yet, seeing as everyone’s so concerned and all.”
“Getting back on track, O’Malley. All’s I’m trying to say…”
“I know exactly what you’re trying to say. You’re trying to say, ‘Hey. O’Malley. Don’t gets us fucked by public relations just because you can’t get a real girl to stick your dick in. And make sure that walking vacuum cleaner you send to our public schools gets made over twice a year so’s he looks like he’s aging.’”
“Dammit, O’Malley, that’s not it at all. If I weren’t your best friend, if you didn’t think I was like a brother to you, if you thought I wouldn’t stick by you and not only accept all this shit but also support you, would you have even told me about them in the first place?”
“You know I haven’t even told Wanda’s parents?” O’Malley chuckled. “They think she was on a recovery cruise for four months after the baby was born.”
“Fuck’s sake, O’Malley,” the commissioner gasped, his face now white as a ghost.
“Thought you’d be happy? Not at being the only one who knows, I mean. But if I were you I’d be relieved as all get out now that the only threat to your cover is me.”
“No. That’s not it.” The commissioner slowly sank to the curb. Once seated, he placed his face in his hands.
“What? What’s the… Oh. It would be hard enough to find out your daughter and grandson are not just dead but replaced by potentially lethal machines, but you think it’ll be worse since they’ve been deceived about it for six years. You think they’ll expose me because they have to, on principle. Or at least just out of spite.”
“No. That’s not it.”
“Well, what, then? I mean, if they haven’t caught on by now they never will. They haven’t visited in months. Hell, it’s been weeks since they’ve even called. But I’m sure it’s not because they know, man.”
“No. That’s not it.” O’Malley was taken aback when the commissioner burst into tears.
“Will you cut out the soap opera bullshit? For God’s sake, stop acting like you got raped by your step-father.” O’Malley knelt down next to the commissioner. “I swear, on my wife’s circuits, on my son’s core processing unit, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Do you know why I told you in the first place? It was to protect you. I know that I’ll eventually buckle under the weight of this, if not because of all the lying to I tell to others then because of all the lying I do to myself. It’s unhealthy, I know. I fully understand that. And knowing that I’m sane enough to know how insane I am is probably the only thing that’s kept me going for this long. But one day reality is gonna force it’s way in and when it does… shit. That’s the end of it. I’m done. That’s when I’ll do whatever stupid thing I do to get caught. Then the entire police force would come under fire because of my fuck up. You’d get burned, sure, and unlike me you’d recover eventually. But that’s the very reason why I told you. I couldn’t dream of doing anything to hurt you. I’d rather die. So now that there’s a chance you’d get taken down with me I have to do everything in my power to prevent it. Don’t you see? By protecting you I’m also protecting myself. I won’t do anything stupid because now I’ve got to shield you from the backlash. That’s why I told you. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”
Still crying, the commissioner said, “No, O’Malley. That’s not it. I wish you would’ve told me Wanda’s parents didn’t know.”
“Why? What does it matter?”
“Well, it’s an election year coming up and you know I’ve been thinking of running for mayor.”
“Yeah, and?
“And the scandal would get out. You know how the current mayor got into office? He exposed all the dirt his opponents had accumulated over their lives; shit they did to get suspended in middle school. Something like this, they would’ve found it. You must understand, I didn’t get where I am by relying on others, O’Malley. So I protected myself. God help me, I protected myself.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Forgive me, O’Malley. I had Wanda’s family killed weeks ago.”
“You…”
“That’s not all.”
“What am I supposed to tell Wanda?”
“Don’t bother with that.”
“She might just be a machine to you but she’s still my wife. She’s still got emotions. She’ll react just like Wanda, the real Wanda, would because they scanned Wanda’s brain and copied it on her hard drive. I can’t just keep this from her.”
“That’s not what I meant. When you go home tonight a plainclothes detective’ll be there. He’ll inform you your wife and son have been killed in a car accident.”
“They what?”
“They were struck from behind and the car flipped off a bridge. I got the call while you were busy negotiating. Their bodies weren’t found, though, and I called off the search party.”
“Did you have…” He trailed off.
“Yes, I considered letting them search. Thought it might be good for you to have the remains but we both know it’s better for us both if they’re not found. I’m sorry, O’Malley. I am.”
“No. I was about to ask… did you arrange to have them killed, too?”
“Cast down your weapons and we promise you’ll only be maimed,” promised the policeman with the megaphone. “Otherwise we swear to every god, goddess, demon, and buddha in the book that we will napalm this entire block.”
Within minutes the kidnappers marched out, single file and with hands on heads, much to the delight of the neighboring tenants. It took the better part of an hour to search the building and reunite all the stolen children with their families, much to the chagrin of Napalm Force. Like promised, the kidnappers were only given light beatings.
“Good work there, O’Malley,” beamed the police commissioner.
“All in a days’ work,” O’Malley flatly said as he packed up his megaphone.
“Nonsense,” the commissioner chuckled. “It’s not every day you save a busload of retards from being grafted to robots and sold on the black market to football coaches as ringers.”
“Thanks for the needless exposition, commish,” O’Malley groaned. “But being a robot isn’t such a bad thing. Even if you’re only half robot.”
“Oh,” the commissioner gulped. “Sorry about that, O’Malley. I forgot about your… I mean, that you…”
“Adopted a robot to replace my stillborn son,” O’Malley stated coldly.
“Yes, quite,” the commissioner avoided O’Malley’s face and looked around nervously. “Shame about Wanda, too. She was a good woman.”
“And now a good robot has taken her place,” O’Malley sighed.
“Yeah, about that,” the commissioner finally looked at O’Malley. Moving closer he whispered, “There’s something I need to tell you. You’ve done a great job so far of keeping it quiet and I appreciate it, O‘Malley. If the public found out that their chief of police was bedding one of… you know...”
“No,” O’Malley quietly answered, his voice barely able to veil his rage. “One of what?”
“Well… one of them,” the commissioner explained as softly as possible. “I mean, come on, O’Malley. We’ve been buddies for years and you know I’ve got nothing to say on it one way or the other. But ever since Vermont…”
“Just because one crazy fuck programs some robots to kill…”
“It was an entire goddamn,” the commissioner exclaimed before catching himself and lowering his voice. “It was an entire goddamn state, O’Malley. And need I remind you they’re still there? It’s like their own country now. Hardly the work of ‘some’ robots.”
“Last I heard there were only four hundred of them, maybe less. That’s twice as many as the army used to take Cuba.”
“Where’d you get that figure, the evening news four years ago? They’ve been there long enough to be at least two thousand strong by now. And if only a handful of them is enough to take down a floating military base like Cuba, think what an army of them could do to this place. People are scared, O’Malley, and rightfully so.”
“But we’ve got the most sophisticated weapons on the planet and have put them in the hands of highly trained, genetically modified soldiers. Cuba had a local militia made of under-fed farmers, over-beaten housewives, and children who couldn’t even chew through the cheap leather they would make sneakers with.”
“Alright, alright. Getting back on track, I just…”
“Realistically, we could bomb the planet ten times over if some asshole doesn’t watch where he puts his coffee mug. It’s a little suspicious that we haven’t them out yet, seeing as everyone’s so concerned and all.”
“Getting back on track, O’Malley. All’s I’m trying to say…”
“I know exactly what you’re trying to say. You’re trying to say, ‘Hey. O’Malley. Don’t gets us fucked by public relations just because you can’t get a real girl to stick your dick in. And make sure that walking vacuum cleaner you send to our public schools gets made over twice a year so’s he looks like he’s aging.’”
“Dammit, O’Malley, that’s not it at all. If I weren’t your best friend, if you didn’t think I was like a brother to you, if you thought I wouldn’t stick by you and not only accept all this shit but also support you, would you have even told me about them in the first place?”
“You know I haven’t even told Wanda’s parents?” O’Malley chuckled. “They think she was on a recovery cruise for four months after the baby was born.”
“Fuck’s sake, O’Malley,” the commissioner gasped, his face now white as a ghost.
“Thought you’d be happy? Not at being the only one who knows, I mean. But if I were you I’d be relieved as all get out now that the only threat to your cover is me.”
“No. That’s not it.” The commissioner slowly sank to the curb. Once seated, he placed his face in his hands.
“What? What’s the… Oh. It would be hard enough to find out your daughter and grandson are not just dead but replaced by potentially lethal machines, but you think it’ll be worse since they’ve been deceived about it for six years. You think they’ll expose me because they have to, on principle. Or at least just out of spite.”
“No. That’s not it.”
“Well, what, then? I mean, if they haven’t caught on by now they never will. They haven’t visited in months. Hell, it’s been weeks since they’ve even called. But I’m sure it’s not because they know, man.”
“No. That’s not it.” O’Malley was taken aback when the commissioner burst into tears.
“Will you cut out the soap opera bullshit? For God’s sake, stop acting like you got raped by your step-father.” O’Malley knelt down next to the commissioner. “I swear, on my wife’s circuits, on my son’s core processing unit, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Do you know why I told you in the first place? It was to protect you. I know that I’ll eventually buckle under the weight of this, if not because of all the lying to I tell to others then because of all the lying I do to myself. It’s unhealthy, I know. I fully understand that. And knowing that I’m sane enough to know how insane I am is probably the only thing that’s kept me going for this long. But one day reality is gonna force it’s way in and when it does… shit. That’s the end of it. I’m done. That’s when I’ll do whatever stupid thing I do to get caught. Then the entire police force would come under fire because of my fuck up. You’d get burned, sure, and unlike me you’d recover eventually. But that’s the very reason why I told you. I couldn’t dream of doing anything to hurt you. I’d rather die. So now that there’s a chance you’d get taken down with me I have to do everything in my power to prevent it. Don’t you see? By protecting you I’m also protecting myself. I won’t do anything stupid because now I’ve got to shield you from the backlash. That’s why I told you. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”
Still crying, the commissioner said, “No, O’Malley. That’s not it. I wish you would’ve told me Wanda’s parents didn’t know.”
“Why? What does it matter?”
“Well, it’s an election year coming up and you know I’ve been thinking of running for mayor.”
“Yeah, and?
“And the scandal would get out. You know how the current mayor got into office? He exposed all the dirt his opponents had accumulated over their lives; shit they did to get suspended in middle school. Something like this, they would’ve found it. You must understand, I didn’t get where I am by relying on others, O’Malley. So I protected myself. God help me, I protected myself.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Forgive me, O’Malley. I had Wanda’s family killed weeks ago.”
“You…”
“That’s not all.”
“What am I supposed to tell Wanda?”
“Don’t bother with that.”
“She might just be a machine to you but she’s still my wife. She’s still got emotions. She’ll react just like Wanda, the real Wanda, would because they scanned Wanda’s brain and copied it on her hard drive. I can’t just keep this from her.”
“That’s not what I meant. When you go home tonight a plainclothes detective’ll be there. He’ll inform you your wife and son have been killed in a car accident.”
“They what?”
“They were struck from behind and the car flipped off a bridge. I got the call while you were busy negotiating. Their bodies weren’t found, though, and I called off the search party.”
“Did you have…” He trailed off.
“Yes, I considered letting them search. Thought it might be good for you to have the remains but we both know it’s better for us both if they’re not found. I’m sorry, O’Malley. I am.”
“No. I was about to ask… did you arrange to have them killed, too?”
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_thanks!
_mith
You know, I'm glad you used the name O'Malley. It's been slipping in popularity and it's really up to us to keep it alive! Program robots to kill? Hmmm...