My doctor said I should drink more whiskey

"He really said that?"

Well his exact words were 'drink less vodka' but I know what he meant

Coming across that girl that stood you up, making you feel unwanted, too many times on Bumble and SMASHING THAT LEFT SWIPE is pretty goshdarn satisfying
victoriaboness:
🤗

Mother's Day is coming up. If you and your mom don't get along all that great.... you want mine?

Not giving her up or anything, I just bet she'll adopt you if you ask really nicely. That sounds like the kind of Barbara shit she'd do.

Looking forward to a new week of playing with my animals, crushing it at work, cooking something new, generally overextending myself and making things weird for everyone involved, and above all else.... drinking water!

Alright gang, let's punch this week's butt in the butt. HRRRRNNNNGGGHHHH

inngrin:
😂

Kiss me, I'm mostly German and English

"Umm... it's St Patrick's Day? You're supposed to say 'kiss me I'm Irish'"

Today is what now?

Nobody looks at anyone the way my dog looks at me when I'm eating people food.

I love watching my FitBit manage it's expectations as the day goes on

8 am: Let's get 250 steps!
9 am: 210 steps! Let's do it!
10 am: Go for 190 steps! You got this!
...
5 pm: Dude please just stand up. Just once, I'm begging you

dariianity:
Lol

Day 4 of hospitalization for kidney failure and pancreatitis, about to have 3rd round of dialysis. I'm 33. Ask me anything.

Sam's Club is great, but maybe you shouldn't have "15 items or less" lanes if your store sells couches

Dating is tough. Every woman I'm interested in dating is either taken, or she has good taste in men.

7

You might have never thought about it, but guess what, Cheetahs don't roar like other large predatory cats. They meow just like the little ones do. Isn't that cute?

"Doug, go to bed"

No

juliju:
hahah good to know xD
fresa:
This is my brain at night! lol
5

Vanity Fair headline: What will it take to get a gay character in Star Wars?

Me: How do you know there aren't? How do you know most of them aren't, even? Maybe Luke, Lando, Obi Wan, Darth Sidious, Jango/Boba Fett, Rey, Poe, etc all are. Dumbledore was gay the whole time and it was irrelevant to the story, just as it's...
Read More