Me: When you genuinely love and respect men and women as equals, you don't have to act over the top in letting people know that you do. You can just live life the right way and people will know :)

*Youtube auto-plays next video, Chris Brown singin "These Hoes Aint Loyal"*

Me: ....wait, no go back

Drink lots of water, lovelies! If you don't, I'll hunt down your step-nephew and teach him common core math without his permission. I mean it. *finger guns and a wink*

If Lebron James' entourage isn't called a Lebron-tourage then he doesn't deserve fans

My doctor said I should drink more whiskey

"He really said that?"

Well his exact words were 'drink less vodka' but I know what he meant

Coming across that girl that stood you up, making you feel unwanted, too many times on Bumble and SMASHING THAT LEFT SWIPE is pretty goshdarn satisfying
victoriaboness:
🤗

Mother's Day is coming up. If you and your mom don't get along all that great.... you want mine?

Not giving her up or anything, I just bet she'll adopt you if you ask really nicely. That sounds like the kind of Barbara shit she'd do.

Looking forward to a new week of playing with my animals, crushing it at work, cooking something new, generally overextending myself and making things weird for everyone involved, and above all else.... drinking water!

Alright gang, let's punch this week's butt in the butt. HRRRRNNNNGGGHHHH

inngrin:
😂

Kiss me, I'm mostly German and English

"Umm... it's St Patrick's Day? You're supposed to say 'kiss me I'm Irish'"

Today is what now?

Nobody looks at anyone the way my dog looks at me when I'm eating people food.

I love watching my FitBit manage it's expectations as the day goes on

8 am: Let's get 250 steps!
9 am: 210 steps! Let's do it!
10 am: Go for 190 steps! You got this!
...
5 pm: Dude please just stand up. Just once, I'm begging you

dariianity:
Lol