halfjack

i am filled with a rage that scares me. yesterday morning i almost beat someone to death with a muffin tray. i stood over him, in his sleep, and prepared myself to do it. this man, whom i once called friend. why was i going to kill him? how about i'll tell you why i didn't. because the man he raped just a few hours previous, as well as the rapist's best friend, stopped me. i introduce two friends and one of them rapes the other. well, one of them claims the other raped him. the other denies it all, says the first came onto him. i want to know who's lying. or maybe i don't. maybe i never will. and i have to keep them all together. and i have to keep them all apart. i am the axis and the ally. i am so godamn confused about what to do. tonight i have to kick the alleged rapist out on the street. he has no where to go. if he can rape the biggest motherfucker i know, and is bi, how can i trust him with anyone? of course i may also be turning an innocent man to the street. her roomate, the alleged rapist's roomate and best friend is a wreck. she is currently staying with me. she is overcome with confusion over her loyalty and trust for two friends, that her best friend may be a rapist, and guilt that she brought him to baltimore and knew he was damaged goods. chaos is growing in my life. a fire is coming. i can feel it.

in my nearly severed pinky. did mention that? ouch. it may never regain full mobility and sensitivity. typing sucks now.

anyway. i have been surrounded by rape for far too long to have not imagined a million different ways to deal with one if i was around to do something about it. now my firend did it. and he might not have. and i still want to beat him with a muffin pan. sigh. why can i be so filled with rage and not love?