gundamfury

"Hey, what kind of party is this? There's no booze, and only one hooker."

I love listening to sad songs. I don't know why, I think I've had some sort of fascination with them, since I heard Little Suzzie by Micheal Jackson. When I heard it I cried and couldn't listen to the rest. I guess you could say that is scared me to hear it. But that was a long-ass time ago, and I could listen to it now and not be phased by the death descibed in it... besides... it's Micheal Jackson! I guess, that I like to feel the music, and sadness in music is what really affects me most. It doesn't make me sad at all, thankfully. It just makes me feel more. I was thinking earlier about things I've done in the past. I was wondering to myself if I have any regrets left to atone for. I've alway lived my life as though I'm serving punishment for things I've done in the past. I'd have to say that I'm over that now. I have atoned for any real sins I've commited (I can only think of one, and it wasn't that big of a deal), and I'veput up with lots and lots of bullshit just to prove to everyone that I'm a good person. There's nothing wrong with that, but... then again.... there's everything wrong with that. I don't have a damn thing to prove to anybody. I can't imagine why I ever did. It's mostly the fucks that I wanted to prove myself to that were holding me down and kicking me while they were at it. But, I guess I just wanted to make everyone happy. But what happen when I don't care about making anyone happy but myself? Oh, don't look surprised, you knew this was coming. What happens when I one car about pleasing myself? Well, that's when I start to feel better. That's when I begin to affect change, that's when I do good things vs. do nothing. "It's not who I am underneathe, it's what I do, that defines me." I must say that definition is something I lack in every way. But not with any of you, with myself. You people have already defined me to what to feel suites me best. That's fine with me, I could give less of a damn. I haven't defined myelf, who knows if I will either? Is it really important to make sure I have a solid definition of me and my life? Or is it more important to have a solid grasp on what's important in life, and to have goals to make it through on top? Whatever. I have the best friends no amount of money could buy, I have the most caring girl I could imagine being with, I have the coolest car I could afford (and luckily it's dead sexy, and would use the sexy-jutsu on you BELIEVE IT!!!!), and I'm going to have a new job eventually... let me repeat that... I WILL HAVE A NEW JOB!!!! So, what's left? Many any things, this is life we're talking about here. There is no one conversation about it. But this is just a small one that was on my mind tonight. The winds of change have me breezing by me for too long. I guess I am fortunate that they have formed a whirlwind and picked me up and carried me away to where I want to go.