gundamfury

I don't really know why I am getting so angry lately. It seems that nearly everyone makes me angry anymore. I hate dealing with people, and I hate being lonely all the time, and I hate trying to make everyone happy all the time. It's unbelievable that I try so hard to do all this stuff for people, and in the end I just end up feeling the same as I ever do. But, I don't know how to do anything else. I want to make myself happy for once, but I don't know how. I truly believe that I don't know how to be happy. Just because something makes me happy at the moment, doesn't mean that it'll make me happy at the end of the day. I don't understand this. <strong>WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!</strong> At the end of the day, I always feel so alone. I may be doing this with one person, or that with another, but after I get in my car, and drive home I feel alone as I ever could. <strong>WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!</strong> Maybe I has some kind of severe emotional problem, or maybe I just feel alone because I am most of the time. I haven't had much to complain about in my life, I live a very safe and protected life, but in that fact, i get disappointed. I always feel as though i am letting people down. Mostly my parents. I hate that. I wanted to get home early and fold up all these clothes yesterday, because I wanted to have something to show for myself, even if it's ever so small. Maybe these are the reasons that i want to move to Lehieghton / Jim Thorpe so bad. Maybe I want to do it so I'm not lonely. Maybe I want to do it so I can prove myself to my parents. Maybe I want to do it so i can prove something to myself. I don't know. I don't even know if I'm making the right decision. I never know if anything I'm doing is right. I question everything I do from before I do it, till after I did it. I guess I've never be totally sure of myself. <strong>WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!</strong> Maybe I'm just running away, maybe I feel as though if I just run away now, it'll make a difference in my life. I don't know what I'm thinking. I just can't help but feel bad that I reneged on my deal with Deanna to move in with her and Rob. I am so sorry. I don't know what I am doing, or what I'm supposed to do. I'm just doing. There is so much that I want in life, and so much that I'm not going to have. That used to not bother me, I would always be contented with not getting exactly what I wanted. But I don't know anymore. I don't know what to say anymore. I'm just really tired of disappointing everyone, and I don't want to have to feel like I'm not living things to the fullest anymore. And I don't want to go home and be lonely anymore. Haven't any of you ever wanted to be something more, wanted to do more with yourself that your doing, want to be everything you've always wanted to be? I guess this is all mindless prattle. But what if it isn't.