guardian_

Lately i've been having nothing but nightmares. The worst is that they are so vivid that they seem real. When I wake up I can still feel everything that happened in my dream. In one nightmare I was being eaten alive by a pack of wild animals and when I woke up I could feel wounds in my flesh. It felt as if my skin and muscle had been ripped from my body for a couple hours after I woke up. My family is worried about me and each time I come out of my room they ask what's wrong because im not acting like myself. I drowned out most of the images from my nightmares when im awake by blasting music. When im awake I try to imagine scenarios that would make me happy and most of the time it works, but once I fall asleep it all falls apart. It's like the world I create in my mind is whole during the day and crumbles in my sleep. As if demons putting on a play during the light and creating havoc while the darkness comes to play. It may be my own fault for creating these worlds inside my head, but when you're stuck some where in life and can't get out that's pretty much all you can do.

I've always been creative since I was little. Constantly making little songs or writing poetry. Since I was always alone I found both joy and a release in the small worlds I would create. Over the years though my view of the world has changed, so my view in the worlds I created changed as well. When you are a child you see the world as such a happy and nurturing place, but as you grow older you begin to notice the darkness hidden behind the light. As more and more darkness came into view my poems became darker as well. Even with all that i've stayed happy myself. I find inspiration in seeing this darkness. it's almost like a story that no one else will get to read or a piece of music no one else will get to hear because they don't know where to find it. I've witnessed people burdened with sadness overcome everything and become strong. I've also seen people give into the sadness themselves. It's as if i've gone to another world where the monsters you read about in tales are real and they surround you more and more each day. Murderers,rapists, psychos, kidnappers, hostages, all of it laid out before my eyes. i've seen the darkness and i've seen the light of this world so I believe I live in the grey. Right in between both light and dark is where I stay. There I see it all and try my best to help anyone along the way.

This blog is probably turning into a rant of some sorts and if you're reading it and it doesn't sound completely crazy to you then that's awesome. It may seem crazy or insane to some, but this is my world.