guardian_

These past few days have been hell. My family really can't catch a break. First the death of one close to the family, next my father gets a severe case of the shingles, and today my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer again. This is now her 4th time getting cancer. The first two were ovarian cancer and the last two were breast cancer. That now makes 6 generations of women in my family who have been diagnosed with cancer.

In a month or so she will have an operation to have her breasts completely removed. She already had to get a hysterectomy due to the ovarian cancer and now this. To top it all off if my dad doesn't respond to the shingles treatment it could turn life threatening. My mother is 34 and my father is 45 and yet already in their lives have been looking down at death's grasp more times than I can count.

The one thing i've always wanted to be in life was a father and with all of this im starting to rethink even having kids. The medical history in my family alone is enough to make me shudder. On my mother's side there is constant history of cancer, strokes, heart attacks and worse diseases. On my father's side it's addiction, strokes, organ failure, degenerative joint disease, and a hell of a lot more. I keep thinking that the reason im always attracted to women with children is just nature's way of telling me not to have kids of my own.

Hell even my father believes that our family name is cursed. He made me promise 3 different times when he was knocking on death's door that if I ever did get married that I would take the girl's last name instead of giving her mine. He wants our family name to die with him. Out of all the generations on my father's side he is the only person not to have gotten divorced. It's really kind of sad that the one and only thing I fear in life is the blood that is coursing through my veins.

I will never give up on life though. Hell even with my body as completely screwed up as it is now I continue on. 21 years old and already have arthritis in ever joint in my body. I'm losing my sight and my hearing disappears almost completely from time to time and I know it will only get worse from here. The only thing I can do right now though is to stay close to my family and help them get through all of this. After everything i've been through in life this won't defeat me. It may make me change my goals or shift my dreams but I will keep on living.