I live in a town where people 1km away know what I ate, when I took a dump, and what I jerked off to, so it makes sense that I haven't told anyone of my problems. I personally believe that when people don't vent, there comes a moment when they blow up. One thing I learned about myself while in the mental institutions is that I have a lot of anger, emotional anger. I don't think the point is to say whats on your mind, but rather to release whats on your mind. What good does it do if I say that church girls aren't my type. Instead, I should actually date someone who isn't a church person. I guess all I'm saying is that actions speak louder than words, and many times I've done things that surprise people. You know, in my former 'subscription' to this site, I had explained how I had an obsession with a lesbian chic I met at work. She told me once that it wouldn't look right if I pierced my ears because I'm too 'clean cut'. So, I went and got them done. Did I do it to spite her? Two or three years later, I can tell you that I didn't do it because of that, I did it cause I think they look good on me. Truth be told, I don't even know that I have them half the time as I never take them out. K, I'm running off on a tangent here. About a month ago, I was introduced to the godparent of my mothers cousin's son. She's a cutie and all, but literally five minutes after she left, people started the talk...."do you think she's cute" "she was givin you a special type of look" and this talk hasn't ceased since. Believe me, I am NOT ready for any kind of serious relationship right now, and it's frustrating because I can't tell anyone why! I've seen her a few times since and we get along and all, but there's one thing that I'm totally not attracted to and its that she's a church girl. I HATE religion.......all religions, and above all, I am at a very big disagreement with priests. I think the position of a priest in Christian societies is the most useless position that's ever been created. Let me rant, but let me also explain that it doesn't bother me a bit what anyone else's position is on religion. I think it's a healthy subject to discuss, and I also don't think that ANYONE is right or wrong on the subject. However, a priest is supposed to help guide people towards god, and I think thats a crock of shit. You don't need a priest to tell you that when you have five chickens, and your neighbor has none and is starving, that you should give one to your neighbor. If it's enlightenment you're looking for, nature has a lot of that. Having kids has a lot of that. Giving people you love hugs has a lot of that. I just think that it's human nature to care. What we have a lot of in society is fear and that causes a lot of people to do crazy things and think irrationaly. I wasn't forced to go, but I went to this 'bible study' thing tonight so that I wouldn't hurt anyones feelings and I hear the same bullshit over and over again, with some amusement about noah's ark. I think noah's ark sounds more like a fucking fairytale than anything and I think it's funny how the priest was describing it: "God had it with us humans, and told noah to build a ship and that all of humanity would die," oh and that "noah was five hundred years old," which made me chuckle but I highly doubt that a year actually has the same meaning as it does today so I don't fault anyone for misunderstanding that.
Greece is a religiously fanatical country. I say that only based on one fact: they teach Christianity in school. I acknowledge that because I was raised in the US, this seems very odd to me. I mean, if I remember correctly, they taught us about all religions in school right? Even the pledge of allegiance says "In one nation under god" but it just seems so vague to me that I don't know if that even counts. Anyway, so if I start ranting on how jesus is just a myth and that the church should be obliterated, I'd be stoned to death...verbally anyway. I don't understand why people are afraid. Ok, I do understand because I was the same way, in fact, I think I still am. Many times I'm afraid of what other people think. This viewpoint has caused me so many problems. Acceptance is not something I've been accustomed to. But wait, maybe it is something I'm accustomed to. I don't recall anyone ever having done harm to me or wishing me in a negative way, so what is it I'm complaining about? Do I want to be a famous rock star, or do I want to be president? I've always taken the viewpoint that I'm insignificant and that I go unnoticed, but when I do get recognition, I'm usually pretty humble about it. This is what I call the pisces-aries complex, but to the rest of the world, it's known as a cusp.
here's a definition I found of the two: The Aries person is assertive, energetic, intelligent, individualistic, independent, impulsive, competitive, eager, straightforward, forceful, headstrong, pioneering, focused on the present, and freedom-loving. Due to your adventurous nature, no matter where you go, however remote or unusual it might be, you can be sure another Aries has gone there before you. Aries can also be a nave sign, although they are outgoing and assertive, Aries can be surprisingly trusting, and get themselves into bad situations because of that. Fortunately, Aries is also able to bounce back easily from those situations. Aries have a wonderful ability to be young at heart, and can view the world as their playground.
Pisces are sensitive, humane and often idealistic. People born under this sign react emotionally to everything making them compassionate and sensitive to those around them. Rather than taking an analytical approach to life, pisces react to the feelings of others and as a result can be very influential when they choose to be. In the right situaltion a Pisces can be capable of incredible deeds. The positive nature of a Pisces and the fact that they are tuned into the feelings of others makes them socially popular.
The leadership quality of the ram is something I admire and wish I was more of more often, but I think the only Ram in me is the attention-whore/jealousy part. I get jealous very easily and it tends to lead me to say things on impulse and then usually regret. I don't take the time to think things out when I say them. I also love challenges, but once it's done and accomplished, lets move on to the next one. Something I believe, but do not practice, is..practice. Just because I beat the challenge, doesn't mean I've mastered it. It's the pisces that tends to keep me in check though, as I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I tell you, I have fire inside me even though I may seem calm. Hence the emotional anger.
I can come up with all these explanations and stuff but you know what it all boils down to is being happy with yourself and accepting who you are. I've never EVER done either. I was never happy with myself. I always thought the goal was to get a muscular body, get the hot woman and have sex and get rich and have affairs. Pretty naive and stupid isn't it? I've lived so many years in a high school fantasy and it's developed into a severe gambling addiction and depression and suicide attempts. All because I was not happy with who I was. I didn't even know who I was. What makes it even worse is that everyone around me knew and tried to tell me as I was going down in flames. My best friend, who is an alcoholic, always told me that I have so much potential, and when I reflect, I agree. It's the now that I'm after, I want a hot body so I can get the hot girl and then dump her for being dumb and only thinking that hot women are for hot men and it's all high school again. Why can I not get out of this mentallity? What seems to make this situation worse is that I live in a town....it's the city where I belong. Do you notice that people who live in the city are more open minded about stuff? The other night, I was over a family members house and on some tv show, there's this chic with a couple of tatoos and a piercing in both her cheeks..I said that's what I look for in a woman..they said that women who look like that are lesbians.........ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm what else do you expect from living in a small town. Don't get me wrong, I belong here. This is where my family is at, and I no longer sit in the dark chainsmoking wondering when the next time is that I'll get to see my mother. But I know where I got to go so that I can get my mind off of gambling. It fucking sucks because it seems like every five minutes changes moods. As far as getting to know yourself, I can tell you this, I am making progress. I'll never be the 'badass' type but will admire it. I got a tattoo not only for the sake of getting inked, but so that I could prove to myself that I can save up money to get it done. I'm very proud of it, but along with my hoop earrings, I might look a bit 'bad' but I know I'm not, and I'm ok with that, I accept it and try to make it a part of me. Geez, I'm surprised that I've focused this long on writing this journal...ah well, take care folks!
Greece is a religiously fanatical country. I say that only based on one fact: they teach Christianity in school. I acknowledge that because I was raised in the US, this seems very odd to me. I mean, if I remember correctly, they taught us about all religions in school right? Even the pledge of allegiance says "In one nation under god" but it just seems so vague to me that I don't know if that even counts. Anyway, so if I start ranting on how jesus is just a myth and that the church should be obliterated, I'd be stoned to death...verbally anyway. I don't understand why people are afraid. Ok, I do understand because I was the same way, in fact, I think I still am. Many times I'm afraid of what other people think. This viewpoint has caused me so many problems. Acceptance is not something I've been accustomed to. But wait, maybe it is something I'm accustomed to. I don't recall anyone ever having done harm to me or wishing me in a negative way, so what is it I'm complaining about? Do I want to be a famous rock star, or do I want to be president? I've always taken the viewpoint that I'm insignificant and that I go unnoticed, but when I do get recognition, I'm usually pretty humble about it. This is what I call the pisces-aries complex, but to the rest of the world, it's known as a cusp.
here's a definition I found of the two: The Aries person is assertive, energetic, intelligent, individualistic, independent, impulsive, competitive, eager, straightforward, forceful, headstrong, pioneering, focused on the present, and freedom-loving. Due to your adventurous nature, no matter where you go, however remote or unusual it might be, you can be sure another Aries has gone there before you. Aries can also be a nave sign, although they are outgoing and assertive, Aries can be surprisingly trusting, and get themselves into bad situations because of that. Fortunately, Aries is also able to bounce back easily from those situations. Aries have a wonderful ability to be young at heart, and can view the world as their playground.
Pisces are sensitive, humane and often idealistic. People born under this sign react emotionally to everything making them compassionate and sensitive to those around them. Rather than taking an analytical approach to life, pisces react to the feelings of others and as a result can be very influential when they choose to be. In the right situaltion a Pisces can be capable of incredible deeds. The positive nature of a Pisces and the fact that they are tuned into the feelings of others makes them socially popular.
The leadership quality of the ram is something I admire and wish I was more of more often, but I think the only Ram in me is the attention-whore/jealousy part. I get jealous very easily and it tends to lead me to say things on impulse and then usually regret. I don't take the time to think things out when I say them. I also love challenges, but once it's done and accomplished, lets move on to the next one. Something I believe, but do not practice, is..practice. Just because I beat the challenge, doesn't mean I've mastered it. It's the pisces that tends to keep me in check though, as I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I tell you, I have fire inside me even though I may seem calm. Hence the emotional anger.
I can come up with all these explanations and stuff but you know what it all boils down to is being happy with yourself and accepting who you are. I've never EVER done either. I was never happy with myself. I always thought the goal was to get a muscular body, get the hot woman and have sex and get rich and have affairs. Pretty naive and stupid isn't it? I've lived so many years in a high school fantasy and it's developed into a severe gambling addiction and depression and suicide attempts. All because I was not happy with who I was. I didn't even know who I was. What makes it even worse is that everyone around me knew and tried to tell me as I was going down in flames. My best friend, who is an alcoholic, always told me that I have so much potential, and when I reflect, I agree. It's the now that I'm after, I want a hot body so I can get the hot girl and then dump her for being dumb and only thinking that hot women are for hot men and it's all high school again. Why can I not get out of this mentallity? What seems to make this situation worse is that I live in a town....it's the city where I belong. Do you notice that people who live in the city are more open minded about stuff? The other night, I was over a family members house and on some tv show, there's this chic with a couple of tatoos and a piercing in both her cheeks..I said that's what I look for in a woman..they said that women who look like that are lesbians.........ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm what else do you expect from living in a small town. Don't get me wrong, I belong here. This is where my family is at, and I no longer sit in the dark chainsmoking wondering when the next time is that I'll get to see my mother. But I know where I got to go so that I can get my mind off of gambling. It fucking sucks because it seems like every five minutes changes moods. As far as getting to know yourself, I can tell you this, I am making progress. I'll never be the 'badass' type but will admire it. I got a tattoo not only for the sake of getting inked, but so that I could prove to myself that I can save up money to get it done. I'm very proud of it, but along with my hoop earrings, I might look a bit 'bad' but I know I'm not, and I'm ok with that, I accept it and try to make it a part of me. Geez, I'm surprised that I've focused this long on writing this journal...ah well, take care folks!
tiger_fodder:
It's good to examine yourself and try to understand how you relate. I agree that you should look for a non religious person. Religion would be a huge problem for a couple, unless you are both open to each other's beliefs.