goodpoltergeist

Occasionally Facebook suggests my first love as "People I may know" and without fail I click on her profile and think back to everything that was, and what could have been and how I fucked up and lost the first girl I probably ever really loved, and a good friend at the same time. I also debate whether or not I should try and add her as a friend, and every time I fail to do so, because ultimately I'm scared. Scared of what, exactly? Scared of her. Scared of being rejected. I tried so hard as a freshman in high school to impress this girl. It worked, and I felt things I'd never felt before, and then because I was insecure, and young, and confused, and still discovering myself I fucked that up entirely. When we broke up we didn't speak to each other at all, in fact I don't think we've directly spoken to each other since then, and it's been like 8-9 years. The point of telling you that is that even now, years later, I still have that need and desire for her to accept me, and am for whatever reason deathly afraid of her rejection. I never send a friend request because I am afraid she won't accept it. I've never felt that way about anyone on Facebook, normally I could care less, but for some reason this girl is something else. Kind of pathetic isn't it? The other thing about all this is that I have a wife now, and I feel like I shouldn't be having these feelings towards a girl I dated very briefly my freshman year in high school. I am though.

Anyway, yesterday she popped up there again, and after much debate I said "Fuck it" and sent her a request. This morning she approved it, and I felt completely validated. I'm still terrified of trying to talk to her though, it's been over 8 years, what do you say to someone after all that time? How do you make it not awkward? I don't know, and that's that. Here's to feeling like an awkward high school kid again.