Update. Skip to the bottom to avoid whiny Goob.
Stress has been high lately, but not to any point I can't handle. I'm working extra hours to make up for lost $, I'm keeping a good schoolwork schedule, and I've had some good social outings (like Serenity this weekend- damn that movie was as good as I expected, and I wish they would make more of the TV series but I know it ain't gonna happen) I feel pretty good about being on top of things, keeping things together, and not freaking out too often.
I have a tendency to freak out. If you know me, you know this.
I freaked out on my man last night. See, yesterday when I left for work, he was showering at my place. He decided to leave me a message on my computer before he left, so he looks for a basic text program to leave a note open on my screen. Instead of opening the program (start> programs> accessories> notepad), he looked for a text file to edit.
Somehow, he randomly picked the one about him.
You know... the diary-type file I keep with all the conversations I've decided were worthy enough to save, either with him or about him. The first copy-pasted conversation is from very early in our relationship: me telling Holly all about our sex life, how I really feel about him... really personal stuff. Farther down in this file, there are conversations from when he cheated on me. Sometimes I said some not-nice things.
Maybe I shouldn't be saving these personal conversations. But sometimes I like to keep a journal, so I can read later and remember where my mind was then. My SG journal is a great place. But, damn, you think I'm gonna put the really personal stuff here? I don't think so.
I didn't think it would be an issue to have it in my PC. It wasn't hidden in any way... but it was one of many many text files with innocent names. And Ray picked this one.
I was on the phone with him when I discovered this. He said he'd only read the first bit, where I was telling holly about fucking him in the back hallway at Neshaminy Mall. But even in that conversation I'd made some comment about Ray thinking that Wendy's is a nice restaurant. Now, that's not a nice thing to say. I've told him before that I said that about him, so it's not a secret. I'm not really a secretive person. I tell people too much, usually. But still I like to have some kind of control over what I let people know.
So I freaked out, thinking he had gone through my computer looking for stuff I'd said about him... it certainly looked like it. What are the odds that he found this file by accident? And did he really stop reading after the first bit? He said he picked a file at random, and he only read a little.
I told him I didn't believe him. Which basically means I called him a liar. He's not a liar. This is a very, very bad thing I did. One of the most important things to preserve in a relationship is trust, and both of us are very much into trust. Well, I panicked. I accused him and I should not have.
He got mad. He hung up. I was mad. I was scared.
I'm a wimpy girl who freaks out and gets mad and makes wrongful accusations and doesn't deserve the honest man I have. Sometimes I loathe myself for my insecurities.
***
See, I told you I write too-personal stuff. Now that it's off my chest, ignore all of it and answer me this:
1) What was your best costume ever?
2) What was your favorite costume as a child?
3) How old were you the last time you went trick-or-treating?
my answers:
1) The ladybug, of course.
2) In kindergarten I was a cat, and my sister was a mouse. We had whiskers and tails and we chased each other all around the cabin at a Halloween Party, which all the grown-ups loved.
3) I think I hit up a couple houses with my friends when I was 19 or 20. That's a little old, I think.
Stress has been high lately, but not to any point I can't handle. I'm working extra hours to make up for lost $, I'm keeping a good schoolwork schedule, and I've had some good social outings (like Serenity this weekend- damn that movie was as good as I expected, and I wish they would make more of the TV series but I know it ain't gonna happen) I feel pretty good about being on top of things, keeping things together, and not freaking out too often.
I have a tendency to freak out. If you know me, you know this.
I freaked out on my man last night. See, yesterday when I left for work, he was showering at my place. He decided to leave me a message on my computer before he left, so he looks for a basic text program to leave a note open on my screen. Instead of opening the program (start> programs> accessories> notepad), he looked for a text file to edit.
Somehow, he randomly picked the one about him.
You know... the diary-type file I keep with all the conversations I've decided were worthy enough to save, either with him or about him. The first copy-pasted conversation is from very early in our relationship: me telling Holly all about our sex life, how I really feel about him... really personal stuff. Farther down in this file, there are conversations from when he cheated on me. Sometimes I said some not-nice things.
Maybe I shouldn't be saving these personal conversations. But sometimes I like to keep a journal, so I can read later and remember where my mind was then. My SG journal is a great place. But, damn, you think I'm gonna put the really personal stuff here? I don't think so.
I didn't think it would be an issue to have it in my PC. It wasn't hidden in any way... but it was one of many many text files with innocent names. And Ray picked this one.
I was on the phone with him when I discovered this. He said he'd only read the first bit, where I was telling holly about fucking him in the back hallway at Neshaminy Mall. But even in that conversation I'd made some comment about Ray thinking that Wendy's is a nice restaurant. Now, that's not a nice thing to say. I've told him before that I said that about him, so it's not a secret. I'm not really a secretive person. I tell people too much, usually. But still I like to have some kind of control over what I let people know.
So I freaked out, thinking he had gone through my computer looking for stuff I'd said about him... it certainly looked like it. What are the odds that he found this file by accident? And did he really stop reading after the first bit? He said he picked a file at random, and he only read a little.
I told him I didn't believe him. Which basically means I called him a liar. He's not a liar. This is a very, very bad thing I did. One of the most important things to preserve in a relationship is trust, and both of us are very much into trust. Well, I panicked. I accused him and I should not have.
He got mad. He hung up. I was mad. I was scared.
I'm a wimpy girl who freaks out and gets mad and makes wrongful accusations and doesn't deserve the honest man I have. Sometimes I loathe myself for my insecurities.
***
See, I told you I write too-personal stuff. Now that it's off my chest, ignore all of it and answer me this:
1) What was your best costume ever?
2) What was your favorite costume as a child?
3) How old were you the last time you went trick-or-treating?
my answers:
1) The ladybug, of course.
2) In kindergarten I was a cat, and my sister was a mouse. We had whiskers and tails and we chased each other all around the cabin at a Halloween Party, which all the grown-ups loved.
3) I think I hit up a couple houses with my friends when I was 19 or 20. That's a little old, I think.
VIEW 18 of 18 COMMENTS
2. I dressed up as a D&D character once when I was like 9. I used to play with my parents and this huge group every weekend and we all dressed up for halloween and moseyed around. I had a real sword on my back, not a shitty wooden one.
3. Last time was when I was 16 and living at my Uncles in Haverford. I think I was some monster or some shit...went late so we wouldnt get all the candy the little ones deserved...