goatsofdoom

The last couple of weeks have been weird for two reasons. My (most recent) ex called me last Wed. out of the blue for the first time in a very long time. We had all but lost contact, except for very brief e-mails here and there, and hadnt actually spoken in a long time. It wasnt a long call, but we caught up on many things and while she admitted there was something wrong, she wouldnt tell me what it was. The very next day she called me again and said it was a horrible day for her, but again wouldnt tell me what was up. In an email later she said shed call me again the next day, but she never did. I admit I was kind of tense while waiting for a possible call, but I really didnt think much of it.

Then I kind of almost forgot that whole situation because on that Friday, an ex from 10 yrs past contacted me, again, almost out of the blue. (it was by Facebook and email, and we had had some contact here and there, but again, usually very quick and light). Well, she wrote me a very long, very serious and intense apology. She apologized for how she treated me back in the day, for not seeing what was in front of her, and especiallywell, to be blunt, for making the decision she made that is ultimately a womans choice. She said she was sorry for putting me through that and for her decision and because even though shes (happily?) married and has had two children with this person, every time she looks at her youngest baby, she thinks about the one she gave up. She basically called herself every name in the book and seemingly wanted me to tell her I hated her for it all.

I couldnt do that. I told her I didnt hate her now, and Im pretty sure I didnt even hate her then. I told her to try and just move past it and be happy with her children, etc.
Truth is, I dont really ever think about that experience anymore because its been a long time, and, well, it basically happened to me again much more recently, and if Im going to fill myself with self-hate because a woman decided I wasnt a fit partner and wouldnt be a good father to a child, it would be because of this more recent ex; not the one from back in the day.

So said ex called me again today. She apologized for not calling me like she said she would, but she said she didnt know if it would hurt my feelings and she didnt want that, but she gave in and called because she was hurting so bad she had to talk to somebody she could trust and that she knows despite all my issues, Im a good guy.

So she told me she got re-married. And everything was perfect, but now theres a bad issue, and shes devastated. Now, Im not exactly sure how long its been since we broke up; not quite two yearsI think. But while I sat on the phone with her for almost an hour comforting her, I have to say, I was reeling. It was a shocking blow. I mean, wow, shes already remarried? I knew shed moved on. I assumed there was a new guy, or at least that she was dating or whatever, but no, she had already found the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with? And they were very happily living with her kids as a happy family.

Dont get me wrong. Ive never had the delusion that we would ever get together again. She is a very smart motivated person with goals and dreamseverything Im not, and I knew it was really over. I count our break up as the biggest failure of my life, not that Ive had all that much of a life, but definitely, she was the ticket to me being a respectable man. And really, a Man, period. But I blew that.

And Im very happy for her (well, I was happy that she was happy, and if its meant to be and it fixes itself, I hope she stays very happy) But hearing about how this all went down, and how hurt she is and how hurt the kids arewow, it actually hurts me.

Anyway, Ive gone on way too long about this. Bottom line is its been a very strange, dizzying and eye opening few days. But the mirrors gonna stare back harder than ever now.