glamerdork

If any of you picked up the red streak on thursday, you can find me behind a whole lotta dildos.

...

So- I think I've royally fucked up my life. This is not a new observation, I must say- it's just- I keep doing this to myself... over and over again. So I want to go to grad school for directing one day. Why? Because I love theatre. Because I have so much to say but always feel like I'm muffled because I cannot find the right means to express the overflow of thoughts without using the medium of theatre.

But my grades... are not all that good. Sure I took 7 courses last quarter (3 more than the average full time student) and sure I managed to pull of A's and B's... but- that was last quarter. Look back into my freshman and sophmore year and what do you see? There are A's there too... but there are also a few F's and D's and even more C's...

My grades do not reflect my level of intelligence. They never have. Even the A's and B's do not reflect it because those are mostly in classes that do not push me hard enough. Those are easy A's and B's. Which do I deserve? The C's? The F's? The A's? Do any of them honestly mean ANYTHING at all in regards to my potential to succeed?

I doubt it. Moreso, I have a feeling that my slowly by surely rising confidence is going to be a leading factor in determining whether I will ever do anything remotely important with my life. But that doesn't matter in terms of getting into grad school! Well, not directly anyway. I've got a while before I'm even going to be applying to grad school, but these schools do want to see undergraduate transcripts and mine fall short on being impressive.

Okay, so I've got a lot of design credits. And I'm planning on getting in some smart people academic classes next quarter and all next year. But I also need to do well in those classes. What if I can't? What if my intellectual aptitute is adequately measured by those F's? Then what? Should I keep lying to myself about being smart... about being... at worst, not completely brain-dead?

Ugh.

I was looking at the Brown University graduate and PhD program and found myself falling in love with their aim to tie together academia with art, even in graduate studies. But I know that my grades from college make it impossible for the Brown professors to ever consider me as a student there. I'm smart. I think. I don't really want to be smart. Being intelligent is a curse. I'm not saying this in a pretentious way- honestly- I'm just... I think all my life I wanted desperately to be the dumb kid, so everything wouldn't be so painful. So existence wouldn't be the constant torture that it is.

And before I could hide behind the idea that my father was intelligent and therefore I was not. He was the math man, the science man. I did not have it in me to think numerically. But now, now that I feel... like... like the way I see is different, it's-- unique and that's a good thing-- it's a fucking good thing and I just need to try to see it that way- to internalize the positive and kick out all the negative emotions that come with being different.

Will I ever get into Brown? Probably not. Yale? Columbia? Nope. Northwestern? I doubt it. Some MFA program somewhere at some unknown-school-USA... most likely. I've at least got the creditentials for that. God- I just hate feeling like I've already wasted my life. Where's the restart button? I think I need a second chance. But I know I'd be lazy and fuck it up all over again. So why whine? It's not like I've learned my lesson.