giddyiguana

The notice at the bottom of Thursdays Spartanburg Herald-Journal obituary page was almost as tragically short as her life.

What it failed to mention was what a remarkable life we lost. It didnt mention her amazing writing ability and heart-breakingly beautiful singing voice. It didnt mention her talents for cooking, her knowledge of cars, or the fact that she was one of the only people I knew who could make her own clothes.

It didnt mention her adorable Southern accent, her obsession with late-model Chevrolet Impalas and the Insane Clown Posse, or the cute way shed get annoyed when I didnt put my cigarettes out completely. It didnt mention how, despite her stunning natural beauty, she was never quite satisfied with her appearance and could spend hours working on improving it.

It didnt mention how she could light up an entire room simply by walking in the door. It didnt mention how she possessed a wisdom that far surpassed her years. It didnt mention her fiercely independent spirit or her amazing intellecthow, at the tender age of sixteen, she was all set to attend Spartanburg Technical College this fall.

And it didnt mention the brutal way she was taken from us. How she was drugged and raped at a party and turned up pregnant; how it was all simply too much for her to take and how she wound up hanging herself in her sisters closet.

My life will never be quite the same because of her. It was immeasurably enriched by the all-too-brief time I spent with her, and there will forevermore be a Thea-shaped hole in my soul where she was ripped from it all too soon.

There were so many things left undone and so many things left unsaid. We were supposed to get together to go feed the ducks at Milliken Park, but we things got in the way and we had to reschedule for a day that will now never come. I never even got to finish eating the birthday cake that she and Gina had baked for me. I never had the chance to let her know what a treasure she really was and to let her know that Ill be there for her no matter what. I never even had the chance to say goodbye.

I cant help but think of all the wonderful things we will never accomplish together. Well never get that apartment at College Pointe together. Well never get to learn from each others cooking styles. Well never get to restore a 1959 Chevrolet Impala together. Ill never get to serve as a major promoter and number-one fan of her budding modeling career. And shell never get to be the maid of honor at my wedding.

How am I supposed to react to a tragedy like this? Theres not a word in the English language that comes close to describing the pain, sorrow, and emptiness Im feeling inside right now. Ive screamed, Ive cried, and Ive punched metal poles. Ive lost sleep, gotten mad at God, and been sick to my stomach. I went to visit her family, but couldnt be much help there since Im falling apart myself. A million what ifs haunt meis there anything I could have said or done differently that may have changed things? My rational side tells me that, no, theres nothing you could have done; that there was no way you could have known what was going on inside her mind. There were no warning signs; she was so young and so full of life. She had such an outgoing personality and amazing intellect that anyone who met her couldnt help but fall for her. Yet, I cant convince myself of that. Ive grown quite accustomed to being the master of my own destiny and more or less in control of what happens to me; it really hurts to feel this utterly powerless. If I cant help the people I really care about, how can I possibly expect to help myself?

Im torn by a million conflicting emotions. Im empathetic to what Thea must have been feeling and yet angry at her for making such a selfish decision. I feel for her family and yet blinded by rage and want to kill (as slowly and painfully as possible) the heartless bastard responsible for doing this to her. I want to be alone with my thoughts to grieve her loss, yet cant handle the overwhelming loneliness that comes with being alone right now. I want to fill that enormous void she left in my heart, and yet I know no one will ever be able to replace her.

Yet, in the midst of all this spiritual and emotional agony, I actually had a meaningful conversation with my Creator. Not in the Pat Robertson, God told me whos going to win the election sort of way, but one of those rare, deeply moving and personal kinds of experiences. After my emotional breakdown at Theas house, Gina and I had to go back to her moms apartment. While she was in the bedroom talking to her mom, I was sitting in the living room couch and staring at the ceiling. I thought to myself, Okay, God, Buddha, Allah, whatever your name is, heres your chance. Prove to me that you exist and that this ISNT your fault.

At about that moment, Gina came back out of the bedroom and we left the apartment. As soon as I opened the door, I saw a moth sitting on the door of the apartment across the breezeway. For whatever reason, that moth caught my attention and I walked over to look at it. And as I studied it, I noticed that this ordinary brown moth is an amazingly complex and beautiful creature. At this point, God starts talking to me.

He said, Harold, behold this moth. Probably the most insignificant thing youre going to see all day. You see these things every day and never pay them any attention. But I know this moth because I made this moth. Im taking care of this moth. And dont you think youre more important to Me than this moth?

Thea was one of My children too. I love her far more deeply than even you ever could. I called her home, and shes with Me now. Im taking care of her now; shes not suffering any more. I love you too and I will always be here for you. Trust in Me.

My whole reason for writing this is to tell you all how much you mean to me. (If you're reading this, then you are a friend.) I know its clich, but its very truelive every day like its your last. We always take tomorrow for granted and think we have all the time in the world, but the truth is, none of us know how much time we have left. So, if this is the last thing I ever get to say to any of you, know that you are loved.



We love you and we miss you, Thea.