ghostina

dear journal... i just arrived home after being away for four looong, trying, theraputic days. i've been dealing with depression for many years now off and on...it's been a tough battle, but i've finally accepted the fact that i needed help, and i'm getting better. on thursday night after a bad conversation i completely flipped my lid...i decided i didn't want to live anymore and that life just wasn't worth all this pain. i didn't end up hurting myself this time though...i was taken to the e.r here in atlanta to get some kind of help...i wasn't sure where else to go! that was one hellish night..whew...i stayed there from 10:30pm to 7am the next day...i had to lay on a crappy, cold, bed with no blanket..listen to nurses and doctors coming back and forth asking me why i wanted to die, etc...at that point i was not ready to talk! i was so frightened and alone..i had never been to the hospital before as a patient! finally they transfered me to peachford behavorial rehab center in a fucking ambulance!!..i had to stay in the "stab unit" as i so lovingly called it for the first day...mainly to make sure i didn't hurt myself! there were so many scary people there...people who were seriously mentally ill...patients who had been there for months! the stab unit was almost just like Girl, Interrupted .unfortunately angelina and winona weren't there to be my friends. hehe they took my shoes b/c they had shoelaces in them...took my money except for a little change for sodas..and i had no clothes. luckily i had cigarettes! god i probably would have really killed myself if i couldn't even smoke!! it was definately a scary first day...then i was finally transfered to the adult unit..where it was men and women..some were there for detox from alcohol, others from drugs, and the rest were people like me...sad people who just didn't know how to handle themselves anymore. i met so many amazing fucking people there...there was claude, an old crabby, hilarious man dealing with an alcohol addiction..melina who had an addiction to speed and was also depressed..lisa, who was also very depressed...graham, a cool as hell 23 yr old boy who was an addict..(he let me give him a mohawk yesterday with his electric razor!!)..and so many other wonderful people. we all became friends..i know i'm going to miss them, but like me, they all just wanted to go home eventually. i went through therapy, saw a doctor and was put on medication..i'm now taking an antidepressant called celexa...it's REALLY helping! i didn't realize how effective meds could be for someone like myself. i never want to have to go back there again, and as scary as it was, i needed the help bad. i feel like a brand new person now, and it's wonderful! i still have many issues to work through with myself, and my friends...but its all going to be alright. i feel it.