ghostina

i get so sad when looking at personal ads online... i want someone so fucking bad... not even a serious relationship per se...just maybe a best girlfriend that loves me like no other. and i do have a best friend...and i'm completely in love with her. but she doesn't feel the same way... she loves me as a friend..but i would do absolutely anything to have her as more than that. and she knows all this..but is currently in love with her boyfriend. i guess i understand this..he's a good guy and it's been four years for them..so i''m not trying to break up a good thing...it just hurts SO fucking bad to love someone so much and not get everything that you give into a relationship/friendship back. i would die for her. i know i sound crazy huh... so thats really why i must move on. she's going to get married eventually i'm sure and have a family..after all she's four years older than me and ready for that... i'll be left behind...so i need to move away i really do. i have to make it on my own! find someone that loves me as much as i love them. i just wish i had the guts to do it. i wish i wasn't so pathetic and lazy and sensitive!!
ARGH thank god for these journals!
i'm hanging out with her tomorrow...i think i'm going to have her take my first photo shoot. *sigh*