today i feel like i'm drowning in a sea of medication! i have this doomed sense that because i am going to start going to therapy and i'm taking meds, that i'm now supposed to be happy and cheery all the time. granted, i do feel better..almost new...but i'm also worried. worried that i'm not allowed to have emotions anymore, to cry anymore, or to be angry. i just feel like so much is riding on my treatment..that this is my last hope at a normal life. i have sooo many plans though. i haven't told anyone on SG this...mostly because i keep ignoring the facts, hoping they will go away..but i am married. i met my husband when i was 18, and just out of high school...i desperately wanted out of my parents house and their rules..and i thought i was in love..i was at the time. but deep down, i knew it was a mistake. but i married anyway at 19, to the dismay of everyone who knew me. many good things came of this however...i moved to atlanta from alabama, i went to college and even started working. if i hadn't been married, i would never have met my best friend, colette. i've experienced more in this past year with her, than i have in my entire life. an entire new world was opened up to me! but my depression always existed...it's never gone away. my easy solution to my problems by getting married just wasn't working! it isn't working. i don't know what i am. i know that i do have a lot of love to give the right person..that i would do almost anything for someone i love..and that somewhere deep down, i have a lot of talent just waiting to burst out! i can paint, do portraits, i'm a good designer...it's simply getting the motivation i need to get these things done.
but like i said, i don't know what i am...my love for women has always been in the back of my mind..since i was 14. my religious upbringing forced me to ignore these thoughts...they are evil, no? but no...love is not an evil thing, it simply cannot be. i don't know if i am bisexual, a lesbian, or what. i feel i really don't need a label...i will love who i choose. right now my heart is with colette. her heart is with me..and her boyfriend..and my husbands heart is with me. it seems it's a neverending cycle of want.
all my life i have depended on other people to take care of me..to tell me what to do. it's my submissive nature! i thrive on being dominated by someone...i love being powerless, as silly as it seems. i guess i feel that if my heart rests in someone else's hands, i cannot be held responsible.
but all that is about to change...i really feel it.
i'm going to take this world by storm! i'm going to do everything that i've ever wanted to do..it's going to be hard as hell, i know.
i'm going to get a job..make enough money to support myself, and move out. i must! i'm going to clean my house, and do my laundry, and have my lovers over for dinner(if a lover were to exist)...i'm going to travel to new york and finally visit my other best friend..i'm going to finally leave the country and see europe..i may even make it over to portland to meet all these sexy suicide girls.
my new life is beginning...
stay tuned.
but like i said, i don't know what i am...my love for women has always been in the back of my mind..since i was 14. my religious upbringing forced me to ignore these thoughts...they are evil, no? but no...love is not an evil thing, it simply cannot be. i don't know if i am bisexual, a lesbian, or what. i feel i really don't need a label...i will love who i choose. right now my heart is with colette. her heart is with me..and her boyfriend..and my husbands heart is with me. it seems it's a neverending cycle of want.
all my life i have depended on other people to take care of me..to tell me what to do. it's my submissive nature! i thrive on being dominated by someone...i love being powerless, as silly as it seems. i guess i feel that if my heart rests in someone else's hands, i cannot be held responsible.
but all that is about to change...i really feel it.
i'm going to take this world by storm! i'm going to do everything that i've ever wanted to do..it's going to be hard as hell, i know.
i'm going to get a job..make enough money to support myself, and move out. i must! i'm going to clean my house, and do my laundry, and have my lovers over for dinner(if a lover were to exist)...i'm going to travel to new york and finally visit my other best friend..i'm going to finally leave the country and see europe..i may even make it over to portland to meet all these sexy suicide girls.
my new life is beginning...
stay tuned.
feeling everything, anger, love, sadness, happiness.
don't let the 'shoulds' get a hold of you.
just be you.
i understand the struggle you are going through sexually.
it's not an easy place to be.
you are on the right track with not placing a label on yourself.
they can be so restricting.
especially at a time in your life when you are defining yourself.
go ahead girl, you're SO on the right track.
i am in a very similar situation as you are.
i am not married, but i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years.
i have a girlfriend that i've been with for 3.
it's hard when you have all these feelings inside, and have to remember to take someone else's feelings into consideration when acting upon your own feelings.
it's rough. honesty is the only way.
honest to you, honest to her, honest to him.
always remember to look at all the good things that have come of your life.
they are testament to your growth. as much as the bad things.
good for you, tho. TAKE THIS WORLD BY STORM.
that's exactly the attitude you should have.
live life on your terms.
do all the things you want to do.
speak your dreams out loud and they will come to you.
and DO come to NYC.
we'll have dinner.