gangstaswan

I feel really frustrated right now.

Normally when I'm emotionally unbalanced I find solace in working way more hours than I can ever hope to get paid. I'm a workaholic, gentle reader.

While I love my current job, I hate the lack of things to do. On the one hand they expect so much from us but on the other because of problems in the system there are hours where I'm sitting and doing nothing. I almost wish I was one of the reporters because they always have some story to chase down.

Any way my point is I'm frustrated with life. I've said it before but I'm going to say it again: I want someone to share my life with. I'm tired of guys who are too far away, too emotionally unavailable, too stupid, too short, too old, too young, the wrong species (I love Squee but it'd be really gross to try procreating with him). I know I know, when you least expect it, love comes flying in the door. The last few guys have been super great and totally awesome and I can't believe I was lucky enough to have three in a row. That just seems unheard of.

So why then, gentle reader, must there always be something wrong?

RS was so socially conservative (despite thinking he was such a leftist) he couldn't understand my needs nor desires. I'm still angry with him for just giving up.

The Primary is one of the very few men in this world who can make me laugh consistently. He's smart and kind and as someone else put it, "quirky but classy." But we're at such different parts of our lives. He's all important in his company and I'm just barely starting my career. He's ready for the wife and kids. I want to be a mom and spouse but not just yet.

The last guy whom I don't even have a nickname for was a real piece of work. He had sooooo, so many of the qualities I've been looking for. He's tall, athletic, smart, a nerd, watches almost all the same shows I do, etc. etc.
His snag?

He's emotionally unavailable. In his case I can understand. He had a rough break up, but why bother trying to start something new? I'm pretty certain he knew all along he wasn't ready for anything, which leads me to believe I was just a piece of ass. I fucking begged him, tears and everything, to not let that be what I was to him. I don't want to be someone's piece of ass nor their rebound. I can't do the casual sex thing. I need to feel comfortable around someone to share my body with them.

So really, gentle reader, how dare he? How dare he look me in the face and tell me I mean more to him than that. And then he turns around and says I deserve better (damn straight I do. Ol' GangstaSwan will shank a lying bastard) because he can't give me what I need.

I'll be the first to admit I jumped the gun and asked for more of this time and attention. It was a stupid move on my part, but maybe in the end it was the right move. I don't know. I just know that we had a super awesome connection and it's ruined (so don't sound the feasting horn). I'm so tired of no one getting me.

I'm not saying whoever I date should be psychic but seriously I'm really laid back about a lot of things so when I do ask for something I would think my opinions should be respected.

I'm just f'ing frustrated. I want to find some way to fill my time. I was thinking of finding a way to freelance but really just a second job doing anything would be good. I should sign up for some dance lessons or a quilting class or I don't know, just anything to fill my time so I don't have to think about the lack of life sharing. So I can ignore the fact that I'm turning 25 in a little more than two months. I wanted to be at least in a position to be married by now. I don't want to be 35 and still looking. If I turn 30 and am still single, I give up. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be almost 50 and having kids. I want to have time and energy for my grandkids ya know (my whole family is a bunch of late bloomers. I'm sure my kids will get it too and I'll probably be 80 before I see any grandbabies!).

I think I need some ice cream.