In the meantime: Work. It's slowing down. One of the builders we have a contract with has, as of this past Tuesday, laid off about 60 employees. My days are getting shorter as a result of it. Oddly, I can't complain. I think I might be the only one in my department without any of the following: child, wife, mortgage. Add in an intense dislike for my line of work and you have the makings for some big time apathy. So while everyone else is sweating the prospect of being laid off, I'm on the side of welcoming it.
As difficult as it was to scrape up enough work to keep us busy today, I half expect that we'll all be sent home in the morning. Of course, I've been screwed putting faith in this line of thought before. My boss is wily. When you think he's going to zig, he zags. I must say, I'm not a fan of that sort of behavior in anyone but myself.
I have difficulties moving on. I have never quit a job. No matter how much I hate what I'm doing, it is always some outside influence that finally drags me out of the horrible situation that I'm in. I'm going to have to drop some serious coin on some therapy to figure this one out. Unfortunately, the "why do I wallow in miserable shit?" psychology class was never offered while I was working on my degree. That one would have been helpful.
I have a handful of friends that are encouraging me to just forget about finding a career at the moment and go back to school. While I'd really love to follow this advice, I honestly don't know what I'd go back to school for. I don't have much interest in going on for a Master's in Psych. I have a wide range of interests, but nothing that stands out as the definative "ONE" thing that I should be doing. The Helpful Friends tell me that I don't have to know what I want to do, just start taking classes and when one finally sparks that interest and drive, I'll know it and lock in on that. But to tell the truth, I'm afraid I'm the sort of person that will keep going to different classes forever, never finding "IT", and wasting a whole lot of money and time in the process.
So, it all boils down to fear. Serious fucking fear. The more I take a look back on the near 30 years of my life, the more I realize that fear has kept me from an awful lot of shit that I wish I had done. Fear kept me from going away to college (I lived at home and went to a branch campus of OSU). Fear made me break off an engagement and run, hurting a really wonderful girl in the process. Fear keeps me locked in jobs I hate. Fear keeps me in orbit around the small town where I was born, raised, and if I don't do something soon, I'll still be in orbit around it when I die.
I don't think I want that.
So, anyone... please. How do I break out of this cycle? I'm asking for suggestions here. I'm tired of this holding pattern that I'm in. It feels like I'm waiting for Life to clear me to land, but I don't think I want to wait for Life anymore. I'm having issues with the speed at which it does things.
Knock some smarts into me, people... I'm well overdue.
