funka_genocide

I am an idiot of the highest caliber, and comical misfortune trails in my wake. I don't want to describe my evening in chronological order, so here's a randomly dispersed sampling of idiocy.

I said to her, "buy me a drink" and she was so confused. I am just doing my part to promote equality of the sexes damn it! She is so totally off "The List".

After making the bar tender laugh so hard she inadvertently knocked over an empty shot glass, I remarked to a random passerby that as she bent over you can kind of see down her shirt.

kind of...

I convinced a portly fellow to enquire as to the coloring of an attractive womans panties, in a language he did not speak. I found myself mysteriously vanishing before the show.

A short man stepped on my shoe, so I moved him aside, he said something about stepping on my "grundle" next, but I heard nothing after that over my own laughter.

Someone randomly called me "The sexiest suave mother fucker in this place" and without stopping to consider I replied, "well yeah."

After singing something by Billy Joel, the girl sitting next to me said something that sounded like "suck" so I remarked loudly that "Hot Chick thinks I suck, but it doesn't count because she's engaged!" After a moment of incredulity she wound up buying me some more songs, 'cause I'm cool like that.

Also, she works at Pixar as a concept sketch artist and early stage animator with a program I've never heard of, but that is neither here nor there...

I had a little face time with the porcelain god round about 3am. He is an awesome god, and a vengeful one.

In my weakened state I was easy prey for roving land monsters (and by land monsters I mean very horny and unnattractive women) so I spent a few hours singing along to the bar music and disengaging myself from potentially deadly conversations, all in an attempt to not "Pass The Fuck Out" I'm pretty sure the large one slipped me a roofy, thank god for my iron constitution.

and projectile vomit, yeah that probably did more to preserve my virtue than anything. Nachos really suck the second time arond by the way. Especially japanese nachos.

I bought a soft core porn mag at a seven eleven for reasons unknown even to myself, and as I walked the freezing streets moments before the sun rose I wound up tossing it at a bum, pretty hard I might add. He just sort of rolled over and snorted. Bravo thought I, bravo.

I spent what must have been a drows age listening to a man named Wacy describe his D&D alter ego, and for the first time in my life I felt the burning sting of shame.

I stumbled into work like an illegal off the back of a turnip truck, oddly scented and unable to speak proper english. I found myself a nice hole to hide in and promptly removed the burden of consciousness from my shoulders.

Now it's lunch time and my mouth tastes like deviled ass. But hey, shit happens right?

I need something healthy before the free radicals in my system revolt and transform my body into a sentient tumor.

*gnaws on celery*