fuck

so normal procedure for me is this.

i go about a normal day working.

i work for chicken feed.

i come home. i sit either here in front the computer or
i watch tv.

i came home looked at the screen and proceeded to get a headache. so i went watched the last samurai.

good flick.

anyway... i realized something i'm not sure what.

i've been having so many problems lately. relationship, just living in general. i've been straying away from a lot things i love. design and the like, being active with that and art. i'm the only one that can do anything about anything related to me but truth be known i feel like being lazy when i come home. my job, oh my lovely job, kills me. that kills my motivation to do anything. i need to get rid of this job. despite its perks of wheels, tires, and parts at just above cost.
maybe they will fire me. i doubt it. i'm not that lucky. they would have done it a while ago if they were gonna do it. maybe instead i'll actually get a fuckin raise. doubt that too.

hmmm...brain storm schemes.

lets see.

short list:
make/design tshirts.
paint canvas.
rob bank.
take pictures of self naked.(hey it could work)
find new job, with a second job just in case.


its a good list.

i'm hungry. CHEERIOS it is.

called Karen today. she picked up.

"Jamey let me call you back."

no call back.

surprised? not really.

i think that door has closed. like all the others.

i'm gonna strive for mediocre living success.

that way when i fail, i won't fall to far.

i need to clean my room.

randomly structured again. must be trying too hard.
maybe not hard enough. people still believe in me.
that'll teach 'em. people, i'm not cool, smart,
cute, funny, fun, or the like. I realized this today.

I work at a tire and full service repair shop.
I change tires.
I'm 23.
Shouldn't I be doing something else by now?
I'm gonna have to grown up someday.
Too bad for me, I'm still concerned about now.

I wish I could be anywhere but here and anyone but me right now.

I have pushed myself away.
I will push it all away.

[insert]Trent Reznor lyrics sung by Johnny Cash.

fuck.

nugget of joy-
"for real. at this point i'm just venting. i've got no where else to get rid of this. so i write it here. next week i'll be like oh i'm a melodramatic asshole. if you guys feel bad for me, don't i'm just going through rough times and am trying to figure out how to get on with getting outta this funk."