fuck

went out last night.


went with a friend i hadn't hung out with in quite sometime.


significant others do that.


god it was good to see her.

we conversed of beer, over beer.

(she drinks bud light. i drink guiness. go figure)

we talked about the past couple of years.

it had been that long.

we talked of why we hadn't hung out.

we talked about the waitress, who i knew.

we talked of the sorta ex's.

hers is definitely permanent. mine...is up in the air.

we talked about why we never dated.

there was a conversation about me, a girl and a bush.

i had a crush on this girl. she had a crush on me. but i was too dense. we were messing around. i threw her over my shoulder ran across the parking lot with her and threw her in a bush after it had rained. she thought i was taking her away to kiss her. she was like aww this is cute. then she was in a bush.

we laughed.

we drank more. talked more. then the ride home.

we get to my house. we talk some more. i told all i had ever wanted to do was kiss her just that once. i was sorry. but she is dating someone. douchebag. but i had to respect that. we hugged. i went inside. i passed out till 1:30. woke up. computer. talk to various friends. watch tv. talk to friends on the phone. eat. computer. write journal. think of how much of a jack ass i am. so many times in my life, i wanted to kiss that girl(karen or the like) and i just walked away. this one makes me laugh. i once had a girl naked in the shower...kissing me, wanting me and i was into her but i got done taking my shower and soaping her up and stepped out.
the story of my life. too scared to take that next step. wanting to fall off that ledge but waiting for someone or something to happen to make me take that step. hmm...... the shower girl summed it up. jamey you shouldn't do anything you aren't ready to finish, take that step but know that if you do you have to finish.

looking back,looking foreward. never looking at where i'm at till now. i've got things to finish. whatever that means.

nugget of joy-
"i hate you but i love you."


edited to put this in:

a letter from the girl.

this may or may not help, but talking doesn't seem to be one of our strong
points lately. this isn't what you want but it's all i can do. i've been
thinking alot about what you said about how i go to people with things. i
was talking to tim cause he'd helped me with it before, he didn't see it as
a problem, so i'm putting too much on you, but we've already established
this. so i'm gonna only go to you with things that directly effect you and
leave you you out of everything else, cause thats the best balance i can
find for now. i miss you. i wish things weren't weird with us. we can't even
talk on the phone anymore, it's all silence and i love you's and i miss
you's thats it. you don't know what you want, you miss me but you need
space, which is fine cause i have finals and then i'll be gone, and you have
to work on the canvas and school. i hate that i can't tell what you want
from me, you're cold and distant one day, then you miss me, and at random
times you're affectionate, then you're not. i get that you're trying to
figure out what's wrong, but it's hard for me, i don't know which part of
you to expect, and i can't fix you. you didn't want me to not tell you
things but i think it's the only way i can help. i stress you out and i
don't mean to. you don't need that. but it's stressful for me to not know
what to expect. and it scares me. we were never like this, we could always
talk, i hope it's just a short term thing but what if it's not, what if we
can't go back, or maybe i just have to adjust to this. whatever it is i love
you.


substance is not my forte with her at this point. i love her. this is something i have come to know after 6 years. but its just not the time for me. she wants a ring. something i can't give her. she wants commitment. something i can't give. she wants a new life. something i can't afford. she wants this. she wants that.

i know that at this point in time, i'm hot and cold. there is a reason for this. i grew up with no parents. i saw my dad move from marriage to marriage. i saw him move from kid to kid. a father is something i never really had. i think thats something a lot of people understand these days. its fucking sad. moving to the mother situation. some of you know this some of you don't. i'm not gonna come out and say it to most of you, in everyday conversations. i don't want pity. i don't need empathy. i learned that i have whats left of a loving family and they have helped me the best they could with this.

When i was five. we,my mother and i, were in a car accident. I watched her die. I remember almost all of it and it haunts me from time to time. its always going to be there. 18 years now and i can still see those images in my head. i always will. but moving on to the point.

over the years, i have realized that my dad never being there and constant moving on to the next woman, my grandmother raising me, and my mothers death have given me a fear not of commitment, fuck this hard to say. i'm not scared of commitment i'm scared that when i'm finally there and everything is said and done that it won't work out. i will go through a divorice and put my kids in that situation. something i don't want. ever. i used to be a clingy relationship person. i realized luckily early enough that when you cling to people you push them away. i always put more on the girls i was with than i should. luckily when i sixteen and in my first long term relationship figured out how to deal with that. Courtney is this way. I can deal with it most of the time but it kills me sometimes. I help her with it. But sometimes it feels like i'm molding her into something i want. not who or what she is. she would do anything for me. she would do anything cause she loves me. i'm it for her. she knows it. i used to believe she was it. i used to look at her and just know she was it. now i look at her and wonder. all i want is to make sure shes it. for her there is no question. she's used to seeing her parents together. shes used to the they got married at 19 and have been together for 40-45 years. she is used to definite. i'm used to nothing is certain. i need time to make sure all i want is in her, all i need is in her.
i feel bad for this. i feel like i should just know. but i look at my age. I'm 23. i have the rest of my life to be with her if shes it. if shes not i want to know now before i go any farther. i tried to expalin this before. she got pissed. so i told her this time i needed to get my shit together which is part of the reason but not all of it. i feel bad for that too. but shes proven to me that she doesn't fully understand what i need or why. its hard for me to keep things from someone i have loved from the time i saw her,(i literally mean that. she was so beautiful i carried that initial image my head everyday from oct 97 till recent.) but i have to. if you detect that i'm torn you are observent. it hurts is all i guess. i'm rambling now. i should stop. besides the people i have interest in are in relationships or have something going on with people. i don't know what to do anymore, or what i want. i think i keep snagging roots on the way down to rock bottom. each one just strong enough to hold me to the next realization. and up that next one, it breaks and i slip that much farther.

you wanna know something? fuck. that is all.

man i wish for life. i wish for something. i just don't know how it goes together or what it is.