fuck

I'm trying to keep my head up.

Today was my day off.

It was hard to not think about the bullshit.

I tried to write this journal entry but it got fucked up and now i'm not trying to re-write my shit.

Basically. i talked to my best friends mom and she said i need to get my head outta my ass. i knew she wouldn't hold back. But I'm not sure thats what i need now.

I thought about my childhood. everyone always told me i was special. I wondered if that jinxed me. I know alotta kids are told that they are special but i always felt this was different. I was supposed to die at birth. My mother was supposed to die during my birth. Neither of us did. I should have been killed in a car accident where she died. But this coat I had been wearing that was like 3 inches thick saved my life. I hated that coat. I was always smarter than a lot of the kids in my classes except for math. I always tried to hide it though. It wasn't fear of being called a dork or a nerd. It was something else. I could never put a finger on it. I still can't and thats what i tought about today.

I've got shit to do and I need to do it soon. I'm fucking tired of being in shit positions. Fuck this. I'm just done.


girl of the journal-
I want her in that exact same position on my futon.


nugget of joy-
"kill kill die die"