fuck

hmm.. i have a lot to say lately. i could express this on myspace and save myself money but its not the same without like minded around the same aged people. its so good to be back. i have spent so much time just fucking around on here and looking/lurking around. oh yea substance...moving on.

so, a week from today, it will be exactly seven months since i last talked to and saw courtney. dont think about her much either. i cleaned and painted my room about a month ago and found a few things i should probably give her back. i've been debating whether or not to get a hold of her to do so. i could just do a late night drop off but that seems kinda pussy and immature. unlike her, i harbor no ill will. she was a total bitch to my bestfriends wife a little while ago. fucking immature. of course what can i expect from her? only speak of this cause i drove past her house today on my route. you know for me i realized it was even more self destructive to stay in a relationship where i felt i wasnt trusted and where i was constantly trying to prove my love for someone and waiting for them to pull their head out of their ass. i broke my hand over her. she and no one is worth putting yourself in the hospital and putting yourself on hold. fuck that. i do have to say though i miss a few things about her. i think i will always carry that with me but not the same way. i mean its expected i was on and off with her for a quarter of my life. she just has a lot of issues and we really arent the same type of people. she trys to fit a mold and i, though part of a group, do my own thing. i never gave a fuck what a person thought unless it was someone i wanted in my life. she just trys to make everyone happy and you cant do that.

moving to point number two.

me not giving a fuck. so a friend of mine i was trying to see earlier this year, told me she was intimidated by my attitude. the me just not giving a fuck and being the asshole that is me. then another friend said my attitude was a big selling point and how hot i was for that. then i thought about how the girlfriend must feel about my attitude and how many others have felt intimidated or liked it...not really important things but when you drive for a living you have time to think. i have noticed lately that the more sarcastic and cocky i am the more attention i get...weird. funny thing is though i maybe an asshole, i'm probably one of most easy going and nice guys you'll meet unless you happen to piss me off. but we all get there. eh, whatever.

going back to me being part of a group,

as most people here i have some rather different body mods. not really different to us. we live this way. but to others its different. some dude, the other day asked me what i was going to do when i was older. i turned to him and said i've been into this stuff for about ten years, if i havent changed yet chances are i wont. "well you say that now." yea i say that now. whatever. this is a lifestyle for me, not a fad. yet again nothing really important. just random.

so much to talk about so much to say...i write these entries kind of like this is whats going and this what i think or whatever rather than completely person journals. it seems. you could comment about anything i write. its fun that way. plus even if i write about what is personally bothering me or making me think or happy you can still comment. fun. fuck a diary, shit seems weak and emo.

i'm just too hardcore.

hahahaha

what am i talking about again?

yea, i'm a douche. whatever.