fuck

plug in and shut up.


so i'm doing way better since the nyquil comatose. its amazing how quick you can knock out the flu if you rest up and drink lots of fluids and use the nyquil.(preferably cherry cause that green shit will kill you)

i had one court date last week, it went as well as i could have hoped. i have traffic school for this one. the main one is in 27 days. i pray to god this shit works out. i don't need to lose the best job i could hope for at this point. i sit on my ass 10 hours a day driving. who could ask for more? the pay is decent. i could use more but couldn't we all?

the dog pissed off grams last week. his hopping of fences came to a head friday night at 11 pm. he decided that he could go whereever he wanted. he can't. i was yelled at for a half an hour and told to find him a new home. i said fuck that just don't let him out. she hasn't except during the day when i'm at work. but he is chained to cinderblocks when he goes out side. usually around 10-20 minute outside time. he won't hop the fence when i'm home unless his buddy, blue, is out. so of course i make sure if blue is out that tecato isn't unless i walk him outside the fence and let him in through the gate. i've tried everything to get this dog to stop. he just won't. next step is when i get some money to get an invisible electric fence for this fucker. he's getting heavy too. he;s around 70 pounds now. he looks maybe 55 tops. he only comes up to about my knee so he isn't tall at all. just stocky and strong. strong as an ox. almost literally. fuckin dog. but i love him.

grams is sick tonight. she has some stomach problems causing some bowel problems. there is nothing like getting frustrated with someone because you are having to clean up after them. i have no clue why i can't just do it without having a 'tude but i hate cleaning up after people. maybe its becuase when i was kid she would make me clean up after myself. if i puked or shit or pissed myself, i swear to god, i had to clean up myself, the bed and whatever else i happened to destroy.i would have to scrubb the floor with a brush and soap and water, put my clothes and bedding in the washer and then make my bed and get dressed for bed again. all the while she was bitching and yelling that i couldn't make it to the bathroom. as a 5 or 6 yr old this is horrible. you are crying cause you feel sick or bad for having done said act and then on top of it you are having to clean it up. there was a time when i was about 15 or 16 i got the stomach flu and it was causing diarhea(sp?) at first. no problem i'm old enough now that i can run full force and hit the toile, but while i'm on the toilet i have to puke i have two choices here get off the toilet and mess up the surrounding area with that or i can puke in the tub. i choose the tub. she fucking shit a brick. exact quote i shit you not "Why can't you fucking puke in the toilet, jamey? I don't care if you were shitting your brains out, you don't puke in the tub! now fucking clean that tub out and don't do it again!" she fucking threw a rag at my head while slamming the scrubbing bubbles on the sink counter in the bathroom. And i'm supposed to clean up her mess tonight. I did. I didn't say anything. I just did it while moaning a bit at first. I hated that she would treat me like a dog almost. she was half a step away from just rubbing my nose in it as a kid and the one time as a teenager. I mean that shit is embarresing enough as it is. I mean to shit yourself because you're sick or puke on yourself or whatever. but to fucking yell and scream at the child because they couldn't make it to a sink or toilet is fucking ridiculous. and on top if to ask the same child to clean up after you? fuck...

side note: i know that story is gross in parts but i am more embarresed to admit that actually happen. i had to vent though.

i love my grandmother. i do. my friends and people that have met her, do too. all say the same thing, she is an intimdating woman. and she is. there are times in my life that i fucking hated her entire exsistence for things she did but she took care of me when i had no one. i realize this. things piss me off though, nagging, bitching, yelling at me for shit i have no control over, getting mad at me because i can't run home to fix the computer while i'm at work or the dog got in the garbage and tore up some paper and i 'm not there to clean it up. and then if you bring up something that happened in my childhood or last year, "that never happened. i never yelled at you for that or hit you for that. i never made you clean up when you were sick." i mean when does reality and her reality meet in her head? this is shit too fucked up for me to just make up or pull out of no where. and this is coming from a woman i saw give my cousin the back hand from hell that literally dropped my cousin to the grass and almost knocked her out for trying to smack her back.(granted the girl deserved it but still) the stories i could share would go on forever.
and i realize that she had to at times keep me in check and she did for the most part. i was a sneaky kid i knew plenty of ways getting around her rules and other rules without geting busted. just don't deny things that happened because when they are said out loud they sound horrible or bad. they are truths with no exaggerations. these things stick in my mind just clear as when they happened.

moving on.

wanna see gore and more gore go see hostel. fucking awesome.

i'm getting better with the wacom tablet. i just need a bigger one.

i wanted to write something else in here but i forgot cause of the grams rant. hmmm.....



oh yeah...


so its '06. i will be 25. i see so many of my friends doing better than i am. all in different ways. it seems that everyone is just 2 blocks up in life. i want to get ahead but things happen and i get knocked down again. i keep dusting myself off and trying again. so here is to this year, no resolutions, resolutions get broken. but i have a plan and list to go with it.

* first, if i don't lose my job and license, is get to finishing the Focus. then sell it and get something i'm not going to touch like that again.

* second and i think more importantly is attend to personal self image issues. things like get rid of beer/ heavy eating gut, and sleeves are to be finished. they are important to my self image. they are have been dreams of mine since i was a child. i've always loved the look of sleeves so that is a high priority to me.

* third and even more important is work on art projects to raise my level in that community hopefully making some cash.

*fourth and most important of all move out.