Hey <3
(So i am quite upset i just wrote out a very well thought out blog and my computer froze =/ so here we go again)
I know its been awhile and i feel as though i say that on the beginning of every blog i write on here. But i was glad for the break from everything it really taught me a lot about who i am and what i want. I have always had a hard time posting on here because i never felt interesting or like i had a lot to say. Most of it was just pandering i wasn't actually being real with you guys. But honestly i never really knew what to say. But now that i have done some getting to know myself i would like to tell you the real reason i joined suicide girls.
I am now 25 and i have gone threw life not actually knowing myself. I would just follow others the latest trend or people i thought were super cool. I never took the time to ask myself what i wanted to do and just tried to do what would make others like me more. But in the end that was all meaningless because it got me no where i didn't grow as a person i was just an empty shell being filled my the motivations of others. I would like to blame it on the small town i lived in and although that was part of it i never tried. I was lazy (really i still am) but i never thought it was that important to make my own way in the world. So i just existed pleasing others by telling them what they wanted to hear doing what i thought they wanted to do and so on. Constantly on a search to get approval from those around me. To feel liked and wanted... When i was about to turn 18 my brothers girlfriend told me i looked like i should be on suicide girls. Which i didn't fully know what it was at that time but knew that there were some alternative girls on here modeling. So i decided to check it out and from the moment i saw my first set i was hooked. They have a few examples of sets when you first sign up and i loved how confident those girls were in their bodies. I wanted to get there. I wanted to feel beautiful in my own shell and although i knew i would get a lot of compliments but the act of modeling itself is really what fueled me. As i felt myself getting more confident in the way i looked i realized after my honeymoon phase with the site that i had nothing to talk about. No interests nothing i could share with you all seems i was starting fresh i wanted to show you me. Those were some of the first signs of me noticing that i didn't actually know myself. I had been being the person i was for my parents, my friends, boys, and the town i lived in. But with those restrictions gone who was i to be? I didn't know so i continued to pander but on this site although support from other models is great thats not what its about. Its about showing your uniqueness that you are you and that is special. It was at this point i was really dieing for the title Fringe Suicide. That was all i was focused on because to me that would make me something. That would make me interesting and it would fulfill me. I quit working as hard and placed the blame on the site and its "unfairness" which discouraged me and made me stop trying. Its sad but its also something i needed to go threw in order to find me. I feel more confident in myself now that i have taken the time to stop pleasing and being what others around me want.
I joined suicide girls searching for me in others standards and expectations when really i needed to look in myself. So now that i have found myself more i would like to try again. I will hopefully find some one to shoot with soon and get a set up so that i can re join the site and share more with you guys. Thank you for taking the time out of your day <3 I really hope you all are well and thriving in whatever you may be doing <3
Thank you
Lucy Frnge
