fred

This week has been so weird.
I had another messed up dream last night.
It had to with rats and kitten and not knowing the difference between the two, and then it was a baby.
There is some deep dark weird stuff going on in my subconscious and it's unsettling me.

My sleep schedule is fucked. I stayed up to 6am playing online poker and I woke up at 2pm.
My eating habits are pretty screwed too. I've been drinking a bottle of wine a night more nights than not.
Fuck! I'm a friggin mess!

Largely I guess it's because of all the mess that is these fires.
For a while I was seriously worried they could affect me, but then looking at where fires exactly were I wasn't anymore.

At first I was stoked to get a week off work
there's a surreal element that there's this much attention.
I hear a FOX news angle on things. Here's a surprise, totally exaggerated and wrong.

And then politicians come in.
Arnold, despite him being a repug, I can mostly stomach. I actually kind of like Arnold.
But to see Bush come into a suburb area where I've been to before hugging people that have just lost a house. It's so transparent and cheesy. It always is, but even more so now for some reason.
I saw that FEMA guy on TV that fucked up New Orleans and my reaction was, "get that guy out of here! he'll make it worse".

So as I said it's time off from work, but not really too fun.
Most of my time has been spent indoors as the air quality is really bad.
A lot of places you'll see fine ash blowing around and it smells like smoke everywhere.
There is a lot of things I should be doing but I'm stuck in this mire of apathy boredom and disgust with myself.
It's very... teenager-like in some weird way. Too much time alone, spent bored, depressed and restless -- it's like my teenage years.

I've had enough. This is the moment of enough before the dramatic breakthrough.
Enough wallowing. My personal rennovation begins now.