easter sucked! i hate holidays. next holiday i refuse to leave my room.
i rarely dream. and by rarely i mean once every two monthes or so. its a possibility that i dream but i just dont remember. but then those dreams dont really count. i once had this dream about a boy i knew, dom. hes my next door neighbors grandson and weve been close friends since i was 4. a couple years ago though his family moved to a town two hours away. at the same time my parents divorced and i moved in with my mom. for the most part we didnt hear or see each other for about a year. i had this dream though and in it he died. the last thing we said to each other before he died was i love you. i woke up crying. hard. i was bawling and shaking. i didnt know a dream could hurt so much. i didnt know the pain could feel so real.
yesterday morning i got an email from my exboyfriend. just seeing "to frank" in the subject line jacked me up pretty good. then i went outside to play with my dog and the side door locked behind me. fuck. i went next door to borrow the spare key my neighbor keeps when i saw him. first i saw the shoes. they were the exact same black skate shoes i was wearing. i looked up and there he was, dom. he smiled and i waved, and as i walked back to my house he followed me. he asked me to stay for dinner with them which wasnt for another couple hours. i agreed. i was alone anyway. my dad went to have dinner with some friends and my mom wasnt home. i had the greatest time just talking to him. im so comfortable around him. he knows everything about me, and i love that. hes a little different then the last time i saw him. hes 6 foot now, 3 inches taller than me. and he looks older. he said i did too. he showed me the tattoos he got on his back. when i outlined the writing with my fingertips he closed his eyes and smiled. i love him. i really do. and i know that he loves me. but im not IN love with him. because i wont let myself. he doesnt have alot of time left. the boy i grew up with, the boy i threw water balloons at, the boy i played doctor with, the boy i first kissed, the boy i smoked cigarettes with to try and impress, the boy who used to spend the night at my house, the boy i drove around with, the boy i love, killed someone. speeding down the street in his yellow 1970 hatchback mustang, he lost control and wrapped the car around a tree. he was going 80, he was drunk, and his best friend died instantly. out on $100,000 bail he only has this summer left before he faces his punishment. i cant fall in love with someone i cant have. as much as i enjoyed seeing him it hurts even more. before i left he grabbed my phone and put his number in it. ill probably never enrase it. he told me to expect a phone call. that one night when i least expect it hell call me. and well go away somewhere together. i know he will too. and i know ill miss him untill he calls, and ill hate it when he does. because after that things will never be the same.
i rarely dream. and by rarely i mean once every two monthes or so. its a possibility that i dream but i just dont remember. but then those dreams dont really count. i once had this dream about a boy i knew, dom. hes my next door neighbors grandson and weve been close friends since i was 4. a couple years ago though his family moved to a town two hours away. at the same time my parents divorced and i moved in with my mom. for the most part we didnt hear or see each other for about a year. i had this dream though and in it he died. the last thing we said to each other before he died was i love you. i woke up crying. hard. i was bawling and shaking. i didnt know a dream could hurt so much. i didnt know the pain could feel so real.
yesterday morning i got an email from my exboyfriend. just seeing "to frank" in the subject line jacked me up pretty good. then i went outside to play with my dog and the side door locked behind me. fuck. i went next door to borrow the spare key my neighbor keeps when i saw him. first i saw the shoes. they were the exact same black skate shoes i was wearing. i looked up and there he was, dom. he smiled and i waved, and as i walked back to my house he followed me. he asked me to stay for dinner with them which wasnt for another couple hours. i agreed. i was alone anyway. my dad went to have dinner with some friends and my mom wasnt home. i had the greatest time just talking to him. im so comfortable around him. he knows everything about me, and i love that. hes a little different then the last time i saw him. hes 6 foot now, 3 inches taller than me. and he looks older. he said i did too. he showed me the tattoos he got on his back. when i outlined the writing with my fingertips he closed his eyes and smiled. i love him. i really do. and i know that he loves me. but im not IN love with him. because i wont let myself. he doesnt have alot of time left. the boy i grew up with, the boy i threw water balloons at, the boy i played doctor with, the boy i first kissed, the boy i smoked cigarettes with to try and impress, the boy who used to spend the night at my house, the boy i drove around with, the boy i love, killed someone. speeding down the street in his yellow 1970 hatchback mustang, he lost control and wrapped the car around a tree. he was going 80, he was drunk, and his best friend died instantly. out on $100,000 bail he only has this summer left before he faces his punishment. i cant fall in love with someone i cant have. as much as i enjoyed seeing him it hurts even more. before i left he grabbed my phone and put his number in it. ill probably never enrase it. he told me to expect a phone call. that one night when i least expect it hell call me. and well go away somewhere together. i know he will too. and i know ill miss him untill he calls, and ill hate it when he does. because after that things will never be the same.
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i just don't have much confidence.
but in this case... it seemed like it was all gold. i just waited too long. next time right? if there is a next time...