frankenhovey

I'm sick and I'm bored and decided to look up some funny quotes to cheer me up. I'll share:

Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list. - Denis Leary

I intend to live forever, or die trying. - Groucho Marx

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. - Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. - Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx

A kitten bats around a ball of yarn but what he's really saying is, "You know I can't knit, motherfucker." That is one foul mouthed kitten. - Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, you'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, they're fucking relentless. - Mitch Hedberg

I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was fucking impossible. - Mitch Hedberg

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. - Mitch Hedberg

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.) - W.C. Fields

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. - W.C. Fields